Why Bisexual Women Aren’t Replying To Your Couples Ad: Some Tips

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 0.603% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

“We’ve opened up our marriage and are looking for a third person to date,” says every other kinky personal ad ever. “We’d like an attractive bisexual woman who needs to fall in love with both of us, simultaneously, at the same rate. We’re hot and 420-friendly. The door’s open, ladies!”

Tumbleweeds blow across the plaintive desert of this ad. Nobody answers, except for the creepy dudes who reply to every post offering sex anywhere whether that sex is meant for them or not.

This hot-and-pot couple will go tragically unbethreesomed.

Yet there’s good reason for this! Most experienced bisexual women don’t want to date a fresh-off-the-boat couple, for very good reasons. So if you’d like to understand why your proposed relationship is unappealing, and perhaps proactively address some of these concerns, well… let’s discuss why dating as a couple is hard on the woman.

Reason #1: Dating’s Tricky Enough When You Only Have To Be Attracted To One Person.
You know those days when you’re swiping through Tinder like you’re scrolling through Netflix movies, and nobody seems attractive? Those days where if you’re lucky, one out of ten people seem worth swiping right on?

Okay. Now imagine that Tinder is pairing people up randomly. Wanna date this one girl? You also have to hang out with her friend WHO ALWAYS TALKS IN ALL CAPS AND NEVER SHUTS UP ABOUT HOW KANYE WEST IS HER TRUE 100 SPIRIT GUIDE.

Much, much harder to swipe right when it’s a package deal.

And it’s not like, you know, bisexual hot women are short on options. You might be willing to cut a few corners if you can get that mystical threesome-love-magic you’re questing for – but to them, your offer is a lot closer to the background radiation of their lives, where they literally have someone trying to rope them into a threesome every day.

So they have zero need to approach someone who looks like they might be annoying. And you *do* look annoying, because…

Reason #2: Imbalanced Attractions Exacerbate Jealousy.
Let’s say the bisexual woman tries dating the both of you! And you’re totally into her.

She is marginally into you.

But she fucking loves your partner.

Every time you go out together, she spends 80% of her time laughing at your partner’s jokes, touching your partner’s knee, squeeing because she loves that band your partner loves but you could never get into, and basically making you feel completely alienated in your own relationship.

And you talk to your sweetie – the old sweetie – and they’re like, “This is a great relationship I have with her, she’s not opposed to you, why are you fucking it up for me?”

What then?

Now, it’s possible that you find a bisexual woman who’s equally into both of you, but that’s rare. Usually there’s a bit more chemistry on one side than another – maybe not an unmanageable chemistry, but it’s like when you get a cat together and the cat clearly has a favorite person to hang with.

If you’re not really confident in your love for each other, that difference in chemistry can feel like a threat. Which often leads to draconian attempts to balance that chemistry – demands of restricted time, or of mandated time where the bisexual woman has to try to find deeper feelings for the partner on the outs, or bizarre rules about touching or laughter or bedroom antics designed to ensure that the partner who feels not as included is catered to.

In other words, it’s generally not the less-chemistried partner who has to change their behavior to adapt to the changes the third person’s caused – it is, in fact, the outside partner who has to change to keep the couple intact. Which is a weird way of saying, “Hey, bisexual woman, your desires are not as important as our needs as a couple.” Which in fact leads to….

Reason #3: Couples Often Treat The Third Person As Expendable.
So let’s say your bisexual partner comes in and has needs of their own.

“That’s good!” you cry. “We want to dote on our new partner! Ask for the world, honey!”

…and their needs conflict with yours. Maybe they want to stop pretending to be your “friend” in front of your very conservative family, maybe they need emotional support at times that are inconvenient for you as a couple, maybe they need to stop having sexy threesomes for a while because of medical concerns, maybe they need you to stop dating still other people to focus on them.

“It just didn’t work out,” the couple says sadly.

And the ugly truth is, that when a couple starts hunting for a third partner, that third partner is quietly viewed as a nice-to-have – you want this extra partner, sure, but nothing’s worth causing strife between the original hubby and wife.

So if one partner feels threatened by a need from this new partner, guess who gets the boot?

Experienced bisexual women will trade stories of well-meaning couples who treated them as an experiment – they wanted to see what happened when they brought in a third, and it didn’t quite work out, and when all was said and done the third was tossed unceremoniously out onto the street but the couple had learned a Valuable Lesson About Themselves, and wasn’t that worth the experience?

It was not for the third partner, who fell in love and had that love fired by nepotism.

And look. I’m not saying that as a couple, you have to break up to placate a third. What I am saying is that too many couples treat their third partners as a nice-to-have, like a luxury Corvette that can be sold in times of trouble. These couples expect that any stresses in the relationship will be borne exclusively by the external partner, and if they are expected to do some reflection or negotiation or restructuring, that’s the sign it’s time to end this troublesome relationship.

And again. Bisexual women can afford to be picky.

So why would they find this appealing?

It is, of course, difficult to convince someone that you’re not like those other couples. But before you place that ad, ask yourself: *are* we like these other couples? If you’re really ready to open up your relationship, are you willing to adapt to the needs of other people, or are you just seeking a fling?

If you want a fling, try the swingers’ club. It still might provoke jealousy. But at least at the swingers’ club, you weren’t promising your potential partners anything more than an enjoyable fuck.

Be honest.

Reason #4: Your One-Penis Policy Is Probably Sexist As Fuck
I wrote about this extensively in my essay All Women And Never Men, which you should probably read in full before you defend the process – but to summarize:

* Most One-Penis Policies are made because the dude is insecure about other men, so he’ll “generously” allow his wife to have sex with other women as long as it turns him on;
* Which doesn’t threaten him because women don’t have real relationships – for an actual bond, you need a penis;
* Those policies all too often – not always, but far too often – lead to a relationship that only works so long as the man is completely satisfied, and the minute the dude has to process jealousy or dissatisfaction, the relationship collapses.

I mean, some OPPs work out because the woman genuinely doesn’t want any other male partners – and that is wonderful. But most of them are shadowed by this concern where the woman isn’t seeking other male partners because their man would get jealous if she did, and multi-partner relationships aren’t about removing jealousy.

(They’re about recognizing that jealousy is an emotion like any other – sometimes you realize it’s an irrational emotion, sometimes you change the relationship to diminish that unpleasant emotion, and sometimes you realize this emotion means this relationship isn’t going to work out.)

So What Now?
I’ve told you a lot of negatives. Now here’s the truth:

A lot of the reasons bisexual women aren’t receptive to these ads are because the ad itself means you don’t see them as a person, but rather a position to be filled.

If you really want to add a third, then a lot of the advice comes down to “See them as a person. Don’t expect them to make your lives magical, then eject them when they fail at that role.” I know a fair number of couples who did find that third, but they generally did so by meeting in person, talking extensively, a slow process that involved a lot of self-reflection and self-awareness.

As with so much else about dating, sometimes the answer to “Why can’t I find a date?” is “You need to work on yourself to become more desirable as a person.” And in this particular case, the desirability comes from showing people that you can make a genuine space for them in your relationship.

Good luck.

4 Comments

  1. Patrick Rochefort
    Nov 27, 2018

    Absolutely nailing it on this one, Ferrett. Right on.

  2. Anonymous Alex
    Nov 27, 2018

    “As with so much else about dating, sometimes the answer to ‘Why can’t I find a date?’ is ‘You need to work on yourself to become more desirable as a person.'”

    Truer words have perhaps never been spoken.

    -Alex

  3. Yet Another Laura H.
    Nov 28, 2018

    Even if you’re doing it, right, please be aware that there are a number of people who are peeing in the unicorn pool. If you see the following behaviors:

    1. Hostage threesomes. Guy messages you. His wife “wants to play.” His wife does not wants to play. His wife has been told that the price of admission for another six years of matrimony is indulging his God-given right to a menage a trois. (Spoiler: it won’t even buy her six months, and she will feel a thousand pounds lighter after the break-up.) She’d be a lot more on board with the threesome if it included sexy help with the dishes or sexy vacuuming or sexy emotional labor, because she’s not getting a heck of a lot of that at home;

    2.Expecting that agreeing to meet someone is the same as a sexual “yes.” Throwing temper tantrums when your third says, “Thank you, no.” Getting weird when your partner says, “Eh. Not this one.” Ignoring your gut when it says, “I’m pretty sure this was the beginning of a Showtime thriller in the 90’s;”

    3. Writing a message that says, “I know your profile says you do not want to be messaged by couples, but we’re different.” You know what WOULD make you different? Not blowing past clearly-stated boundaries. Not wasting my time.

    Say something. Like, “Dude, no. You’re spoiling it for everyone.”

    I realize I’m soapboxing, and maybe being a bisexual has changed since I took myself off the shelf, but… listen to the nice man, at least. He’s saying good stuff.

  4. BCBCL
    Nov 30, 2018

    The one thing this category lacks is, “And remember, just because they’re bisexual doesn’t mean they want a threesome or are poly.”

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