Scenes From A Shower Head

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 0.603% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

We’re at the CostCo. They have a sale on new shower heads.

“That’s a nice shower head,” I say. “It’s got the massage head and a hose and everything.”

“It does,” Gini agrees.

“…I could probably install it,” I muse.

“Absolutely.”

“I mean, there’s YouTube videos for that, right? And you shouldn’t have to shut off the water. You shut it off all the time. So I could probably install a shower head.”

“Yup.”

“And I fixed the toilet! I mean, it took me a week to tighten everything so it wasn’t leaking so… I mean, I could change a shower head.”

“You sure could.”

I pick it up. “I don’t see any instructions.”

“They’re probably on the inside.”

“Maybe they’re complicated instructions.”

“I don’t think so,” Gini says. “It’s just a shower head.”

“It’s just a shower head,” I agree, thinking of all the self-help projects I’ve done recently, even though absolutely no one on my side of the family has done any repair work by themselves, ever.

I sit there, pondering the immensity of changing plumbing in my home.

“I’m gonna get the shower head,” I say.

“Good for you,” Gini agrees.

———————————-

“I’m gonna go fix the shower head,” I say on Saturday morning.

“Good luck!”

“I mean, we know plumbers, right? And the worst I can do is screw things up until Monday, right?”

“You got this.”

“Okay,” I say. “If I yell, don’t come get me.”

“You’re on your own.”

“And I’m changing into shorts in case I soak myself.”

“You got it.”

“But when this is done, you’ll probably have a new shower head.”

“I got that impression, yes.”

“Okay. I’m going.”

“Into the bathroom?”

“To replace the shower head. It’s not really fixing it. Cause it’s not broken.”

“Yes.”

“Yet.”

“I know.” She kisses me. “You got this.”

“I got this,” I repeat, and go into the bathroom.

———————————————–

“GINI!” I shout. “I’VE GOT THIS WORKING! COME VIDEO THIS SO I CAN SEND SHOWER VIDEOS TO EVERYONE I KNOW!”

“Okay,” she says. I dance. I don’t stop dancing.

“SHOWER THING,” I sing. “I GOT A SHOWER THING AND IT’S WORKING, AND NOW I’M GOING TO SHOWER.”

————————————————-

“GINI, COULD YOU COME HERE FOR A SECOND?”

“But you’re in the shower.”

“I know! Now, look! It’s showering ON me! This shower head! And it’s got settings! You want me to walk you through the settings?”

“Sure.”

“This one’s what I’m using now, it’s for shaving, so we don’t run out of hot water. But you can make it like this so it goes faster…”

——————————————————

“Okay,” Gini says later that day, throwing on her purse. “We’ve got a Pokemon raid down at Clague Park at 2:30. There’s a Mewtwo, and there’s at least ten people committed…”

“Sure, sure,” I agree absently. “But…. it’s only 2:00.”

“So we get to the park ten minutes early. We’ll socialize a bit. We can even take the dog.”

“We could,” I say shyly. “But… you know… that’s ten minutes you could, you know, spend…”

“I TOLD YOU I’M NOT SHOWERING UNTIL LATER TONIGHT,” she snaps.

“But SHOWER THING!” I whine proudly.

———————————-

She’s showering. I stick my head in.

“It feels really good if you use the shower head on your back,” I tell her.

“I know,” she says. “You told me. Many times.”

“I installed that, you know. By myself.”

“Yes, you did. Now could you leave me alone?”

“Sure. Because the shower’s that good? Right?”

“Yes. Now go.”

——————————————–

Later that evening, I creep up to her. “Hey, sweetie? Could I ask you to lie to me?”

She does a double-take. “About what?”

“The shower.”

“Oh,” she says, then ponders it again, then adopts a quite creditable air of total astonishment. “Why, I never thought you’d be able to install that shower head! And here I am, utterly proven wrong! By gosh and Gomorrah, you were far handier than I ever gave you credit for!”

“Thank you,” I say, then hug her.

She hasn’t divorced me by now. Somehow.

It must be my mad shower skills.

6 Comments

  1. Anonymous Alex
    Sep 30, 2018

    You didn’t mention, but I assume the shower head isn’t leaking? Congratulations on successfully completing such a complex project.

    -Alex

    • The Ferrett
      Oct 1, 2018

      Indeed! It was, but I fixed it with a washcloth.

      • Anonymous Alex
        Oct 1, 2018

        Pipe tape is the usual recommended material, but I guess if it works.

        -Alex

  2. Raven Black
    Sep 30, 2018

    I was thinking for a moment that it’s weird how much you underplayed how hard it is to install a showerhead, but then I realized that every time we installed a showerhead it was because we were actually installing the entire shower and all the valves and everything, and that the showerhead part doesn’t involve breaking into any tiled walls or anything. So not so weird after all. 🙂

    Still a fine success to do it without leaking, but not nearly as terrifying as the fear of creating leaking inside the walls!

    • The Ferrett
      Oct 1, 2018

      To be fair, it was trivially simple – “Screw off a thing, screw it on” – which makes this even more ludicrous.

  3. Papa Fargo
    Sep 30, 2018

    So much absolute love and awesomeness showers out of every inch of this. I love it.

All Comments Will Be Moderated. Comments From Fake Or Throwaway Accounts Will Never Be approved.