How Real Cocks Work: A Tutorial.

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 3.618% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

A real cock comes on command. A real cock never provides you with that embarrassing moment where you’re trying hard to orgasm, but can’t quite get there in time, so your partner’s on their knees foreeeeever waiting for you to ejaculate.
Real cocks never get almost close enough for you to come, so much so that your chest is heaving and your heart is pounding, and then coast up to the edge of sweet release before going “NOPE” and leaving you to have to start all fucking over again.
Real cocks never come too soon. Premature ejaculation’s for teenagers and the inexperienced.
Real cocks switch on hard whenever you want them and stay trembling stiff for as long as you need them to. A real cock never requires you to jerk off for a little between positions to keep your groove in. Real cocks never lose their erection while you’re fumbling the condom on. Real cocks never have problems with the loss of sensation from the condom, even though yes condoms are brutally necessary, come on, stop being a jerk like that and trying to spread STIs.
Real cocks are tied directly to desire. When you’re turned on, a real cock is hard. When you’re not interested, a real cock is soft. A real cock never has a moment where it’s stiff and you look down and go “What the fuck, why are you hard, I wasn’t even paying attention to you!” A real cock never has a moment where you think, “Wow, buddy, every other part of my body is into this, would you mind joining me?”
Real cocks have one level of hardness: rock. Real cocks never have varying levels of hardness, some of which may be inadequate for the job, where trying to work this 70% stiffy into a recalcitrant asshole is like trying to stuff a marshmallow into a parking meter.
Real cocks are all eight inches. Minimum.
Real cocks are all perfectly straight. No bends or curves. Just this divining rod of erection.
Real cocks all bulge real good. Real cocks never require you to say, “I’m a grower, not a shower!” Real cocks are like 80% of a full erection at all times, pushing out through any underwear like a peacock’s plumage to show all the penis-loving people “PENIS, HEY, GOTCHER HOT PENIS HERE.”
Real cocks are pretty amazing.
Man, I wish I had a real cock.

2 Comments

  1. Richard Baldwin
    Jul 14, 2016

    Are you sure you don’t mean reel cocks?

  2. Kellie L.
    Jul 14, 2016

    Real cunts are always wet when you’re turned on and dry when you’re not. Real cunts never require you to fumble for some lube and never get friction burn.
    Real cunts are tight. Super tight. And hot like a furnace.
    Oh, but real cunts are always just loose enough to fit whatever you need to in there. Real cunts never tear or bleed. Real cunts can take that rock-hard 8-inch-minimum cock on nothing but a wink and a prayer.
    Real cunts smell amazing, all the time. Even after a hard workout, or if you haven’t showered in two days. They always have that fresh cunt smell that instantly turns on anyone who loves cunts.
    Real cunts are always clean and smooth. You will never find wayward underwear lint in a real cunt, or tiny shredded bits of toilet paper.
    Real cunts do not have allergies; if you have a real cunt you’ll never need to stop your partner after they excitedly tear open a condom and ask, “wait, is that latex? Hang on, I’ve got non-latex ones in my purse, just, uh, where did it go? Have you seen my purse?”
    Real cunts provide orgasms on demand, from any source–fingers, tongue, cock, lingering gazes. Real cunts do not require vibrators.

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