They're Not Wrong To Want This.

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 3.618% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

My word is often used to settle debates. Complete strangers will email me with intimate details of their love lives to say, “My girlfriend wants to have bareback sex with Cheer Bear during her Care Bear Stare Cosplay Orgy, is that wrong?” – and, terrifyingly, they’ll wait for my Judge Wapner-like decision to tell them who’s done polyamory wrong.
My answer’s always the same, though:
They’re not wrong.
They may be wrong to want this from you.
Which is to say that I personally would never be involved in a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship, because for me, it’d be a way of hiding my affections from people who deserve to know who I am. But that doesn’t mean DADT can’t work for specific couples.
I personally would never enter a relationship where my partner dated whoever they wanted with no input from me, but Relationship Anarchy is a thing and many people thrive in it.
I personally would never let my girl hook up with Cheer Bear when Grumpy Bear needs the love more, but hey, a true Care Bear orgy is open to everyone except Professor Coldheart.
Is it wrong? Well, who’s involved? If you asked most people, “Is it wrong to lock your partner in a box at night while they sleep?” the answer would be HELL YES IT IS, but there’s BDSM relationships where the Mistress locks her pet inside their cage and they’re perfectly content.
It’s wrong to ask Overly Attached Girlfriend for an open relationship, but there’s plenty of people out there who want that. It’s wrong to ask pretty much anyone on FetLife for an monogamous fundamentalist “No sex before marriage” relationship, but thousands of people have had such a relationship and have done so happily.
“Wrong” is all about who you’re asking.
Yet that’s not what’s being asked. The question actually asked here is, “I’m upset by what they’re doing. Is it okay that I’m upset?”
And the answer to that is, “Yes. It’s okay that you’re upset. Your demands may be unreasonable for this partner, but you’re allowed to seek what you need.”
Or to put it another way:
You’re not wrong.
You may be wrong to want this from them.

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