The Tiger Expert

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 12.06% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

“So you’re a tiger expert.”
“Darn straight I am. I’ve been watching tigers on the Internet since I was a kid.”
“…on the Internet? Have you ever actually caught a tiger?”
“No, no. Not really. I’ve watched ’em. From a distance. They don’t actually come close to me, the tigers don’t seem to like me. But I know all about how they live!”
“How do you know that?”
“Well, you know, I’ve talked with all my other tiger expert friends. You know, the ones who also can’t catch tigers. We sit around staring at woods, bitching about how you can’t ever find a good tiger, not really, and we talk about what we think tigers are like.”
“But you’ve never raised a tiger.”
“Not as such, no. But we do have a lot of expertise in what tigers don’t like. We think. As I’ve said, we don’t actually get close to tigers, we just sort of stare at them on the Internet.”
“And yet… you consider yourself an expert in tigers.”
“Awful creatures, really. I keep wanting a tiger so goddamned badly, and yet they won’t come to me no matter how many M&Ms I leave out to entice them to eat from my hand, and so they must be very mean creatures, because they won’t accept a thing I give them. Which is ridiculous, because I have spent my self broke buying M&Ms and loud clattering pans and all the other things that tigers love.”
“Have you ever considered that maybe you really have no idea how to catch a tiger?”
“Of course not. I’m a tiger expert.”
That is, sadly, the problem I have with so many male misogynists. “Man, I hate bitches. They’re terrible, because I can’t get a date and that’s their fault. I’m doin’ everything I know the bitches like!”
And all this hatred wells up from the fact that they’re not getting laid using these derogative, shitty techniques taught to them by other idiots who also don’t get dates.
Dude. You’re hating someone because you’re too lazy to change up your goddamned game. Stop looking at porn on the internet and actually start trying to talk to actual women in different ways. Switch techniques. I’m not saying I’m much fonder of Pick-Up Artists, but jeez, at least they study the field.
Meanwhile, I hear guys ranting, sometimes directly to my damn face, at how awful women are because they don’t respect men by fucking them for all the reasons they’ve deemed should attract a woman. And I suggest that maybe, just maybe, the problem isn’t the women, but the idea that you’ve inhaled all these toxic ideas about how women work without actually ever having talked to a woman, and you’d do better on the dating scene if you dropped this arrogant idea that someone owes you sex, and took up the idea that you need to bring something to the table that actually makes you desirable.
They don’t listen. They’re tiger experts.

1 Comment

  1. BJ
    Apr 27, 2015

    I always think of this song when the topic turns to “Why Wimmin Are Bitches”…

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