The Most Unfuckable Character On Game Of Thrones Is…

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 4.824% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

So because I have These Sorts of conversations with people, I wound up asking “So who’s the hardest person to masturbate to on Game of Thrones?”
And whenever I have These Sorts of conversations with people, people start needing rules.  “Are we counting the underaged kids?” people asked.  “We’re not counting Rickon or Arya, are we? That’d be creepy.”  Which, you know, it gets tricky.  Because the show upped the kids’ ages in dramatic ways – Jon Snow in the books is fourteen, Arya is nine, Sansa is eleven, and none of those kids are anywhere close to that age on the show.  (Which is understandable – the actors would not only be incompetent at nine, but they’d age out quick.)
So we have a weird issue – the actor who plays Jon Snow is literally double the age of the character he’s playing, so when we ask “Who’s the hardest to whack it to?”, how do we count Sansa, who is either eleven, or the actress who is nineteen now, but was certainly underage when we started, and what is the age of consent in Westeros anyway and wow holy fuck does this get crazy.
Anyway, so I’m going to ask the question based on Season Five of the television show now, according to the actors’ current ages, restricting it to actors currently over the legal age of consent, eliminating anyone who is currently dead.  (Sorry, Sean Bean fans. You should be used to this by now.)
With all those restrictions in place:
Who is the most unfuckable character on Game of Thrones? 
Now, for me, this is a weird question, because it’s so clearly Sansa. I hate Sansa. I hate her more than Joffrey.  My hot button is “People who prioritize their fantasies over reality in a way that harms other people,” and holy crap Sansa, I have yet to forgive you for taking Joffrey’s side way back in Season One and killing a poor innocent dog as a result. I loathe her so much that I can barely stand to look at her, and honestly, Sophie Turner is an attractive young woman, so that shows you how sapiosexual I am.
Yet the most popular answer is “Theon Greyjoy,” who a friend told me could see taking his anger (and current physical handicap) to to a dark, sexy place. Except that Theon has proven thoroughly, seethingly incompetent at literally everything else he’s ever done, so I’m pretty sure he’d screw up your sexual fantasies, too.  Theon’s not a bad choice to never masturbate to, though frankly I might suggest looking towards Ramsay Bolton if you want some real dark fantasies happening. Like, “Fantasies you probably wouldn’t survive.”
For me, however, if you take personality out of it, the Least Fuckable Character in Game of Thrones has to go to Lord Walder Frey.  Especially if you’re a woman.  You know why he wants you, you know you’re walking away with an heir in your belly, and you can just imagine the stink as he crawls atop you.
(The funniest answer came on Twitter, however, in the form of Ser Pounce.)
And yet this is a democracy, so I ask you: Who is your choice for the most unfuckable character on Game of Thrones, and why? Explain why your nethers shrink at the thought of this person.  And please, don’t break out in a slurry of fanfic to prove your choice, I really need to eat today.

1 Comment

  1. Auroch
    Apr 24, 2015

    As a consolation prize for Sean Bean fans, look up Sharp’s Rifles. Sean cheats death repeatedly abs spends a lot of time shirtless.

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