The Republican Dog Trainer

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 6.03% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

“I don’t actually like dogs.  There’s no real need for people to have dogs.  I’d like to starve every dog until it was small enough to drag it into the bathroom and drown it in a bathtub.”
“…what?”
“Not that I would drown the dog, of course!  But the dog’s a drain on you, you realize.  Only holds you back.  Listen, how much kibble do you feed it?”
“Her.”
“Her, sure.  Point is, you could save a lot of cash by slashing the amount you give her.  Do two, three bits of kibble a day, and those annoying dog food bills will just evaporate.”
“Listen, I – I’m not sure I want to put you in charge of my dog – ”
“How can you doubt my qualifications?  I ran a very profitable slaughterhouse, where we took in all kinds of animals and stripped them down to their component parts!  Between this and our mutual acknowledgement that dogs are kind of useless and we’d all be better off without them, who would you want taking care of this animal?”
“…anyone?  I want a dog in the house.  My dog is useful to me.”
“No, it isn’t.  It’s a drain on your resources.  A luxury for lazy people.  And if we have to tolerate this sort of frippery in our lives, then I say we strip it to the bone.  So no more having the dog in the house, or spending money on toys, and frankly, the more we can neglect the thing the sooner it’ll be out of your way.”
“But it’s my seeing-eye dog.”
“Nonsense.  You don’t need a dog.  After all, my vision is perfectly fine!”

1 Comment

  1. Hal O'Brien
    Jan 31, 2014

    Come the dictatorship of the corporatariat, the state will wither away. Not that there’re any similarities in dogmatic commitment, or utopian thinking that takes no consideration of actual humanity, or anything.

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