As Of Tomorrow, I Do Not Have Gonorrhea

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 13.266% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

I got tested as part of my annual STD check last week, and if I don’t hear from them by tomorrow then I am “clean.”
I always find that bizarre.
Maybe I’m paranoid – paranoid enough to get tested despite no signs or symptoms – but I always go, What if they forget to call?  I know there’s a lot of notifications to give, and all these Planned Parenthood issues with confidentiality (they go so far, and correctly, to have a secret system where you give them an artificial name so they can leave a message and you can call them back without alerting anyone).  But things go wrong in any bureaucracy, and the whole “Just assume it’s fine unless you hear from us” freaks me the fuck out.
I always call.  Just to be sure.  And they sound so perplexed.
So right now, I’m Schrodinger’s Slut, probably not genitally ablaze with various transmissibles, but uncertain.  At some point tomorrow, I will start another free period where I am, insofar as we can reasonably assume, good to go – an assumption that will degrade throughout the year as I continue to have sexual encounters, until I get tested again.
I dunno.  Testing is inaccurate on so many levels – the blood tests are rife with false positives and false negatives, so there’s no really good way of knowing you have herpes unless they get a culture from some outbreak.  And for those tests, there’s always some period in which you’ve begun to contract the disease, but it’s not present in your system enough to show up, so realistically it’s not a clean bill of health but rather a bill that says, “Well, you’re either completely free of the disease, or we’re early enough that it has yet to take a diagnosable foothold on your system.”
It’s so inaccurate that on some levels I wonder why I have it done.  It’s not like I’m not going to play it safe anyway.  But I feel obliged to get a certificate just so I can be as honest with my partners as I can possibly be, and here I am stating that honesty in the hopes that my number didn’t accidentally drop off a “CALL THESE PEOPLE STAT” list at the no-doubt-overworked and understaffed Planned Parenthood clinic.
I don’t wanna bug them for what’s been a no every time since I started doing this.
I probably will anyway.


  1. Yet Another Laura H.
    Jan 30, 2014

    If you can help it, never, ever trust that no call means no news. I might still have a functioning thyroid gland if I had followed up with my health care provider.

  2. Cammies on the Floor
    Mar 26, 2014

    That’s the time such lovely thoughts go through your head about sorting out the “In case of the clap, notify these people”, and “I hope I don’t need the Hallmark card saying ‘At least it isn’t AIDS'”

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