How To Entice Attractive People Into Your Bed.

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 14.472% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

Rule one: Don’t make your goal to entice attractive people into your bed.
It’s the paradox of fucking: if you really, really need to get people to sleep with you, that sheen of acrid flopsweat will repulse them. Your prospective bedmate will sense that underlying motive embedded in your every friendly gesture, that subliminal mutter of “I’monlydoingthisbecauseheyyouhavefungibleprivateparts”…
…and that’s great if you look like Brad Pitt humping Angelina Jolie with Steven Spielberg directing you. If you are possessed of such magnificent physical charms that people will go, “All right, I’ll plook you on sheer looks alone,” then sure, maybe being really eager to get people to sex you up is a working stratagem.
Most of us, however, are average. Which means we do not have that magnetic pull that draws people to our groins via lust-shackles alone. And for us, you know what works?
Fuck your “friend zone” talk. “Friend zone” is another way of saying, “If I can’t fuck you, what good are you to me?” And that shit is insulting. No, what you do is find people who you like, people who you can stay up until 3 in the morning talking about the craziest shit, people who love the same music and movies and books you do, people who laugh at your silliest jokes….
…and assuming they’re available, you let them know that hey, this is all great, and I’m attracted to you, too.
Be sure to let them know how little the attraction means. Too many idiots present the attraction as some sort of make-or-break situation, as if you don’t respond in kind and voluminously, I’m taking all of this friendship and going home. No, this attraction simply means that something could happen on top of an awesome friendship, or we could just continue being friends.
You know what? Three times out of four, they’ll go, “No, I’m good.” And that’s awesome. You know why?
Because you’re friends with an awesome person, you idiot.
But no, if you must require some tedious reason to keep non-fucking people in your life, consider this: this vivacious, lovely person you know now probably hasother friends much like him who, if you hang around long enough, you will get to meet. And he will introduce you to them – why not? you’re a good friend – and talk well of you, and if that attraction sparks again, then you may wind up dating someone even better.
Like calls to like. So, you know…. try liking.
It’s an advanced concept, this get-lots-of-sex-because-you-don’t-want-sex thing, and a lot can go wrong. You might, stupidly, confuse “attraction to body” with “attraction to person” and wind up ignoring all sorts of things you don’t like about a girl because she has a hot rack. You might, stupidly, think that “not wanting sex” means you never ever talk about sex ever ever, suppressing all desire, and then spring this hidden attraction upon her when she’s most vulnerable. You might, stupidly, hang around someone who knows he’s attractive and using you like an ATM of kindness to dispense all sorts of favors you wouldn’t do for someone less handsome, in which case you don’t have a real clear grasp of how this “friendship” thing works both ways. You might, stupidly, decide you’re so unlovable that you send out vibes of self-loathing that short-circuit any attempts to find friends, since you’re all but telling people how awful they must be for hanging around you.
But in general, if you go out of your way to like people – not bodies, but people – and work on finding a good social group filled with fun, you’ll not only have more dates, you’ll have a better life in general. Don’t concentrate on finding that one person who will fill every aspect of your life with soft, hot lovins; concentrate on finding many people, a wide net of folks to fill those non-date days with lunches and texts and happy nonromantic times, and the rest will usually come along.
Then there’s rule #2.
Oh wait. There isn’t.
Just focus on rule #1. It’s not about sex. It’s about the connection. And if you follow the connections, sex will come tagging along eventually.


  1. Mishell Baker
    Aug 21, 2013

    This is terrible advice! I tried it and ended up married for nine years last month, with two amazing kids! Ugh, I should have just kept chasing sex like I did for ten years — thanks to a long completely non-sex-motivated friendship that one day casually fell into bed I now have a crayon drawing of a heart taped up on the wall by my desk and someone sexy to rub my back every night while I watch TV. I mean this joker actually tells me I’m beautiful while staring *right at* my stretch marks. How annoying is that.

    • Lilithe
      Aug 23, 2013


    • JenMoon
      Aug 24, 2013

      *snort* to Mishell and ditto to the advice. Seriously. Last November I went on my 10 year anniversary for a month to Europe. It like totally “sucked”. NOT.
      Thanks for the column. More, please.

  2. Justin Cascio
    Aug 22, 2013

    This is such great advice, given so well, that there is little reason to ever give relationship advice to a single person, ever again. I just need to give them a URL and say here, read this.

  3. Lynn Beisner
    Aug 23, 2013

    But how will we creep people out if we follow this advice? I swear, you are trying to ruin dating.

  4. Kwan
    Sep 6, 2013

    But by building upon friendship there’s the high chance of potentially making a perfectly working and awesome friendship, freaking awkward. This idea tends to ruin the idea of dating friends.


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