Why Nice Guys Don't Get Sex: Reason #1 In An Infinite Series

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 15.678% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

One of the biggest problems that nice guys have: they think women want men who don’t want sex.
I think this attitude, unconsciously developed, stems from listening to women complain about the fuckheads who hit on them.  “All those assholes want is sex!” is what they hear their female friends lamenting, so they go, I’ll be the opposite.  I’ll be very quiet and never ever mention sex, or that I desire it.  This will make me a gentleman.
No.  It will make you a loser.
I think this attitude springs from this sad view of nature where they believe that women don’t really want sex, they just sort of endure it for the sake of the species.   So you have to sneak up on sex.  You can’t just mention it around women, because at the first hint of cock they’ll run like zebras from a lion.  No, you have to sort of sneak in the penis, waiting for the proper moment to, uh, bring it up.  This may take months.  And all the while, you’ll never ever mention sex, or if you do you’ll discuss it like you were handling a dirty diaper. Because that’s what women want.
So how’s that working out for you, chum?  Well, you’re probably standing by the sidelines while your ideal woman is going out and fucking these horrible behemoths, feeling resentful because you’re doing everything right and there they are – falling into bed with an oaf!
An oaf who actually expressed his desire for her, and she responded!  Carnally!  Why, it’s like she wanted to get fucked! But that can’t be the case, so these brutes must be, I don’t know, hypnotizing her with their gold chains and their Axe body spray and their abs or something.
No, dude.  What you heard was “All these assholes want is sex,” and came to the erroneous conclusion that sex was bad.
What she was saying was, “All these assholes want is sex.”  As in, “Remove my vagina, and I’m worthless to them.”  That doesn’t mean her vagina is some sort of null zone to be ignored. She wants to fuck, but she wants to fuck someone who wants to fuck.
And what are you doing?  By conspicuously not mentioning sex ever, you’re sending the impression that if she wants sex, well, it shouldn’t be with you.  You’re taking the default stance that as a guy you naturally desire it on occasion, like some sort of cyclical Pon Farr, but it’s not anything you need.  And if she really needs it, why would she want to fuck a guy who’s never said he really wants to, loves to?
Look.  What women like – what people like – like is passion.  And you being a wishy-washy huggabear will just make it clear that when you get into bed with them, she’ll have to tell you everything to do, making you kind of a voice-activated vibrator.  So she finds other guys who may have less attractive qualities but at least will satisfy her in the sack, and leaves you firmly in the friend-zone.
Why?  Because you never told a dirty joke, or shared an embarrassing sex story, or even told her how fucking gorgeous she is.  Not that she’s pretty, but fuckable.  And yes, there are creepers who make women feel awful by slathering them in filth, but the fix is to not go the opposite route and sanitize yourself so you’re as sexless as a Hello Kitty.  Yes, it’s awkward finding that fine line between “no sex ever” and “creeper sex maniac,” but if you squash your desires altogether then you’re lying to her about what you want… and you can’t complain when she doesn’t respond to a desire that she doesn’t know exists.  (Or that you’ve given the impression that you’d be bad at it.)
A lot of guys have this terrifically sad dance, wherein they never mention sex ever and if they do, certainly it’s not something they’re really interested in, no!, and then they wind up with women who aren’t that interested in fucking. Don’t do that.


  1. CB9000
    Oct 23, 2012

    From: Straight Male, 27
    This article and “Look, Guys, Even ‘Nice’ Can Be Annoying…” seem contradictory and lacking of real insight when put together…
    Based on the comments from the other article, women dislike being bombarded with attention–I get that. But this article says that nice won’t work even if they’re giving you the time of day. So what is it? Do we come in full blast and say ” hey baby, let’s do it?” (Or something more vulgar?)
    I’m surprised (well, I guess I don’t know you or your writings…) by your lack of grace and sensitivity here (even if the observation is accurate). I read the comments from the other article and started to feel empathetic with the intrusiveness of attention to maybe even change my behavior (my first time on a feminist blog)–therefore, I feel like this article is a slap in the face to women who are comparing real perspectives and reactions to the topic of “niceness”.
    I’m not mad but —I call bull-shit!— Write me back man!

    • TheFerrett
      Oct 24, 2012

      A commentor in my LJ nailed the difference:
      “If you push for sex like it’s the only thing the woman is worth, you’re an asshole. If you pretend like you don’t think a woman is only worth sex while still trying to figure out the right time to push her for sex because it’s the only thing she’s worth, you’re an asshole.”
      Basically, if you’re approaching a woman like she’s some toy to be manipulated to get Teh Sexx0r, you’re gonna be in trouble. Be up-front about who you are and what you want, mixed with a moderate dosage of self-awareness and courtesy. And try to be interested in them as if there’s more to them than a moist hole.

      • CB9000
        Oct 24, 2012

        Oh the dance…well said–thanks for the response.
        And my name is CB9000–not Clint.

  2. CB9000
    Oct 23, 2012

    And for reference, I saw the article on Jezebel.com today…

  3. CB9000
    Oct 23, 2012

    …and don’t look up “CB9000” via google. I tried and the only thing that came was a model of chastity belt! Ha, how ironic…! lol

  4. CW
    Oct 24, 2012

    I don’t care if a guy wants sex, they should just know that if they’re going to date me, sex does not have to be the only form of intimacy and that they will have to wait til I’m ready.
    Your stuff is hilarious, btw, simply because it’s true.

  5. Mark D
    Oct 25, 2012

    Hey Ferrett,
    I usually enjoy your stuff, but this one was especially good, man! If you ever wrote a book à la ‘The Game’ for the nerdy nice guys, it would do the world a ton of good!

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