"But I Just Wanted Conversation."

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 15.678% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

I usually don’t link to comments of mine, but if you scroll down and look at my response to Colin here, you’ll see what I think of as one of the classic “nice guy” traps: the idea that because you want more than sex, that somehow this interaction becomes not about sex.
Look.  The reason I get a reasonable amount of sex is because I don’t care if sex happens.  If I’m talking to a heartbreakingly beautiful girl, I’m doing so because the conversation I’m having is interesting on its own merit.  I’d be getting this much satisfaction out of the talk if I was having it with a girl I found unattractive, or a guy, or a genderless voice over a telephone.  And people respond to that genuine enthusiasm.
But the “nice guy” will talk to a girl, and pretend hey, this is a great conversation, aren’t we having fun, OH BY THE WAY WHEN WILL WE HAVE SEX.  And that delay between “Such a good time!” and “When’s the fucking start?” may be months, but don’t fool yourself that most women can’t feel it.  They know that you’re eventually going to be dissatisfied with just conversation, and they’re going to excuse themselves.  Or be furious when you bring it up after years of dormancy.
It sounds weird, but what women – what people – want is genuine interest.  The feeling that they matter.  And you can say “Oh, it’s more than that,” but that ignores the fact that without that, it’s pretty much worthless to you.
It’s the paradox.  I like you whether you’re going to have sex with me or not.  Some of my greatest relationships have informed me they find me as attractive as a tub of day-old lard.  That’s great.  I’ll still text to say hi every once in a while.  Which means whoever I’m with knows that I dig them for them, not some act they can perform, and as such ironically they’re more willing to perform that act.
Or not.  I don’t care.  I can’t always have Teh Sexx0r, because I’m in two satisfying poly relationships right now, and though I’ll flirt scandalously, who knows what permissions I can actually get?  But that’s the point, really.  Anyone I’m talking to, I talk to because I think they’re awesome in the absence of anything else they can provide to me.
If you’re telling me that this isn’t sex, it’s a relationship you’re trying to start, well, chances are good this relationship involves sex.  And if that’s the case, don’t tell me it ain’t about sex.  Sex is firmly on the agenda, even if it’s buried halfway down.

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