A Rare Cross-Post From FetLife To Here: Things That Have Distracted Me From Your Naked Body

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 8.442% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

I usually keep my explicitly-sexy writings to FetLife (theFacebookforkinksters!), simply because a) some of the erotica that I write is dominant, and hence like all hot sex is a little sketchy from a feminist perspective, and b) sometimes, the privacy of my sex life deserves to be what is behind, effectively, a massive friends-lock.  If you want to read those writings, you have to specifically seek them out, so no complaints when you get there.
Still, probably 70% of my FetLife writings are cross-posts from here to there.  (And they often do much better there – my “How To Tell If You’re Cheating On Someone” has nearly 2800 “likes” and 700 comments.)  Sometimes, though, I have a toss-off essay that I think is funny enough to throw over here.  Which I will do now.  It involves perving on amateur photos of women, which are posted by the score on Fet, but having been a fan of amateur photography (“Photographs, he asked him knowingly”) for years, this has been a constant distraction.
It’s also a window into how my mind works.  It’s not pretty. Anyway, it’s called “Things That Have Distracted Me From Your Naked Body”:

  • The terrible streaks on that mirror. You look like you have ghost hickies. Then I start wondering whether you can fuck a ghost, and then think that Paranormal Activity answered that question, but that wasn’t really “hot” so much as “creepy,” but then again somebody on FetLife has to be into invisible demon-rape, and oh shit, right, naked girl. Anyway, clean your fucking mirror.
  • That episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” you left on when you were sucking your boyfriend’s cock. I mean, yeah, dick in mouth, but it’s impossible to fap when Marie is nagging Raymond. Unless you’re Raymond. That guy has issues.
  • That uncomfortable sex position you’re in. Man, your tendons have to be aching. There’s gotta be, like, five pictures after this – the blurred shot where he fucks you off the couch, the slow realization of the head wound, the frantic rush to dress, the paramedics arriving, and GODDAMMIT PHIL WILL YOU STOP TAKING PHOTOS THIS ISN’T SEXY ANY MORE.
  • Your DVD collection. Hey, is that pink-purple rectangle the complete Jem and the Holograms boxed set? Oh, man, it is! I haven’t seen that show in years. What else have you got there? Pulp Fiction? Next to Jem? Oh, crap, you’re one of those girls who doesn’t alphabetize her DVDs, we’d just fight all the time. Hell, I can’t think about fucking you, I’ve gotta clean up that shelf. You probably have stray DVDs all over the damn place, too.
  • The shakycam. Hell, dude, I’d probably have some pretty bad camerawork too if a girl that cute was gobbling my one-up mushroom, but I can’t tell if this is a blowjob or a fight with Jason Bourne. Get a steadicam.
  • Your cat. It’s quite prominently in your bed. You’re not sleeping with the cat, right? Right? checks your profile Okay, good. No felistiality fetishes. The lion sleeps tonight. WITH OTHER LIONS ONLY.

 

5 Comments

  1. NC Narrator
    Oct 18, 2012

    Holy crap I just laughed so hard I snorted! Luckily, only the dogs were home to hear me. I’ll never hear “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” the same way again!

  2. Mark
    Oct 18, 2012

    Haha, that was hilarious! Keep cross-posting, this stuff is dynamite!

  3. Sarah
    Oct 23, 2012

    This is one of the most entertaining things I’ve ever read. I nearly cracked up in the middle of work. Thank you for this!

  4. Deb
    Oct 23, 2012

    LOL This list was hilarious! Oddly my boyfriend didn’t appear to find it so funny, but I got a good laugh.

  5. spuffyduds
    Nov 4, 2012

    Ah ha ha ha! Excellent.
    Personally I tend to get more distracted by stuff I really LIKE, but which is NOT MEANT TO BE THE POINT OF THE PHOTO. There’s an adorable woman who shows up fairly often on sexisnottheenemy, and I get derailled by her socks. “Oooh, there’s Adorable Woman again, and she’s wearing those awesome seventies stripey athletic knee socks!” PERVING: I AM DOING IT WRONG.

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