A Note To You Fine Bisexuals

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 15.678% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

My house is usually full of bisexual women… Which is to say that most of my close female friends are bisexual to one degree or another.  I think that’s a good thing, as I’m happy that most of my friends are comfortable enough with their sexuality to be attracted to a variety of body types.
The problem is when they encounter a straight woman.
For straight women do exist, but often times the default thing my friends do when encountering a straight woman is to interrogate them: “Well, have you kissed a girl?  I mean, how do you know?  What have you tried?”  And on one level these are legitimate questions… but on another level, it’s deeply exclusionary and insulting.  Not only are you highlighting and questioning someone’s sexuality, pretty much flooding them with a spotlight that goes, “YOU ARE NOT LIKE US” – but you’re actually implying that hey, you don’t really know what you like, probably the reason is that you haven’t actually done it.
Questions which, if applied to a lesbian from a straight man, would most likely enrage them.
Look, folks – sometimes, you just know what you like, and you don’t necessarily have to experience something that sounds unappealing to see whether it brings you joy.  And when you start making straight people feel like they’re just not trying hard enough, consciously or no, what you’re doing is the same BS that humans have done for thousands of years: creating a society where your needs are dominant, and anyone who’s different should be be closely examined to make sure they’re thinking straight.
I think part of the reasoning is, on an unconscious level, that some folks (not all!) think that if someone doesn’t share their sexuality, they can’t really support it.  Also nonsense.  You can be ramrod-straight and still voice full-throated support for loving homosexual relationships, just as a cisgendered male, I can never quite understand what it means to be transgendered but can be wholeheartedly behind transgender inclusion.
I know that in many kink circles, “being straight” is actually the exception.  But don’t point it out as an exception.  Be actually inclusionary, and go, “Hey, that’s cool” and don’t treat them like their heterosexuality is some sort of problem to be solved.  It’s creepy, it often feels like they’re being hit on, and it’s distinctly confrontational and unfriendly.
You can go your own way.  Let them go theirs.


  1. FireRose
    Sep 18, 2012

    Hey Ferrett, do you mind if I share this with a couple of the LGBTQBBQWTFA groups on campus? SOME of their members get exactly this attitude when confronted with a straight person – even if they are an “out” ally! Even though I am happily Bi, I don’t automatically assume it is “the” way to be or that everyone else must share my sexuality. But when you get beat over the head enough times, from your own camp, you do tend to get pretty pissed!

  2. NC Narrator
    Sep 18, 2012

    I seriously couldn’t agree more! I know, without ever having tried it, that I don’t like those little sauteed octopi that sometimes show up on the Chinese buffet.
    I don’t have to eat one to know I won’t like it. I just have to look at it, listen to the descriptions of the textures and such given by people who HAVE tried it, and extrapolate from there. I don’t even like gummy bears because they are squishy and rubber – disappointing since they are so pretty and smell so good!
    Oddly, I’ve not noticed the same tendency in male friends when dealing with straight men. I wonder why that is?

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