All My Sex Is Elsewhere

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 15.678% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

Today, I have two essays for you, but neither of them are located here.  Sorry; you’ll have to click twice.  An inconvenience, I know.
The first essay is at a new magazine called Kink-e-Zine, a San Francisco-based online publication devoted towards sane and safe kinky sexual practices.  I’ve agreed to write a monthly humor column for them, and my first one is a letter called “Dear Dude Who Sends My Female Friends Pictures Of His Penis.”  It’s an analysis of why men are so trigger-happy to send women cock shots, and it starts like this:

Some women might be interested if your penis was, like, the Monolith from 2001, something so huge that people squinted and said, “Is that a sequoia?” But no. You introduce yourself with an excruciatingly average cock shot.
Now, I think I know why you do this, but let me explain my logic.
See, to you, women’s brains are basically this annoying lock to be cracked in order to get at the juicy sexiness beneath. You really could care less what they think; what you want are tits and a hot pussy, and if you have to mutter a few magical incantations like “I see” and “That’s interesting” to get it, well, you’ll tolerate some conversation.
But largely, to you, women are a buffet….

I go on from there, analyzing motivations.  But this happens a lot on FetLife, and I’ve heard horror stories from women on OKCupid. Really, dudes?  Stop making me look bad.
My other writing is on FetLife (theFacebookforKinksters), discussing scenes from Cleveland’s very own Kinko de Mayo festival.  They had all sorts of classes on various topics including erotic wrestling, needleplay, flogging to catharsis, and one pretty brutal crucifixion demo (which, unfortunately, I missed).  I wrote up my experiences of the weekend, detailing my first fire play with strangers, how I sprained my finger erotic wrestling, and my new toy.
The writeup is here, and I think it’s a pretty fun read.  Check it out if you’re inclined.

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