The Egotism of Teeth

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 15.678% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

On Friday, I asked whether it was creepier to kiss someone with dead bone tissue in his mouth (like me) or to have sex with someone who’d used irradiated flesh to improve his cock size.  And one of the most common responses was, “Making your cock bigger isn’t necessary.  But Ferrett, you needed teeth.”
I don’t know that I did.
Yes, having all eight of my front teeth out was devastating to my self-image and ego – but medically, it wasn’t necessary to have new teeth in.  I could chew fine, with the exception of foods like spaghetti, and I’d adjusted to this now and toothless world.  The only reason I would need new teeth is that it was humiliating whenever I smiled.
And it was humiliating, believe you me.  The soft lisp of my toothless mouth.  The noises I made when I ate.  The way I had to hold my lips when I smiled so as not to reveal the gaps therein.  All a constant, low-grade drain on my self-esteem.
But did I need them?  No.  It was pure vanity, those teeth, and to this day I feel bad about spending $8,000 to just feel good about myself.
The case could be made that that $8,000 was necessary to a better life – which is fine!  But then you have to extend the same courtesy to zombie cock guy, who was paranoid about his dick size… and maybe truthfully so.  Some penises are very small.  I’ve heard women making fun of ex-boyfriends with small dicks, and thanked God I was not in the “notably teeny” department.  And I’m not saying that I’d undergo surgery to embiggen Little Elvis here, but maybe if I’d had a different family or a different set of genetics, I might have.
As men, we’re supposed to either be radically insecure of, or ragingly confident, in the size of our shvanstucker.  And any attempt to alter that size is seen as a sign of weakness, regardless of the initial state of the penis or the sexual experiences of that man with his small cock or the constant barrage of “WOMEN LOVE BIG DICKS” messages that, for right or for wrong, men are subjected to.  And while I’m not mature enough to suppress my chuckles over a guy buying pills in a vain attempt to swell the worm, I am understanding enough to not actively condemn it.
I had a thing that humiliated me, once.  And it was a little more out in the open, but I spent years and a significant chunk of savings trying to correct it.  So if I were to sneer at all the guys who struggle for a larger penis, I’d have to do it without these teeth.


  1. Kellie Lynch
    Feb 5, 2012

    You have to admit they’re slightly different situations, though.
    Teeth are used or shown to others countless times each day: to speak, to eat, to smile, to open really stubborn bags of chips. A bunch of missing teeth can make it harder for you to communicate with others on a daily basis–it’s harder to understand someone with a lisp. Visible missing teeth are associated with a lot of negative stereotypes–crazy homeless guys, meth heads, senile old men–and even though they shouldn’t, others will judge you based on them.
    Penis size, though…you use your penis to pee and fuck. Size is completely irrelevant for peeing, and unless you’re a major porn star, fucking is a pretty small portion of how you spend your life. Being as insecure about an “inadequate” penis as about missing teeth…well, that hints at bigger issues.

  2. jenphalian
    Feb 7, 2012

    There is a lot of justice in this follow-up. So I will say that the difference lies the in the extremity. I’d compare all eight front teeth to being an extreme correction, like that guy (I think his name was maybe Joe?) I fucked for a little while who was hung like my pinky finger, fully erect. If he paid for a dick implant, I’d be ok with that, because of the extremity. And no, I don’t know where I’d draw the line of “how small of a before picture do we need to be looking at before Jen ok’s the dick implant?” so don’t ask.

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