What I Hope, What I Fear

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 9.648% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

What I hope will happen when I write about my own depression: other people who are depressed will see that yes, it’s possible to suffer from a draining depression yet still function.  That it is possible to draw a distinction between “What it feels like in my head” and “What the evidence of the real world actually provides” and act according to what objective data tells you is reality and not this fucked-up horrorland inside your head.  That someone who’s depressed, somewhere, will feel a little better when they realize someone else somewhere knows exactly what they’re going through.
What I fear is happening: people are going, “Ferrett is such a whiner.”  They’re stepping away from me, talking about me behind my back as a drama queen, lowering their expectations for me.
Usually, hope wins.  I’m seized by emotions I have little control over.  It’s a disease.  And I struggle with it, and try to be open, because depression’s one of those hidden malfunctions where nobody has to know unless you let them.  And I think it’s important to acknowledge that it does exist.
Still.  When I am depressed, fear matters a lot.  I try to battle it with hope.

6 Comments

  1. Maggie
    Dec 26, 2011

    I think this is an important post. Thank you for writing it. I wish you lots and lots of hope.

  2. Eugene
    Dec 26, 2011

    I feel the same way! Over the past 8 months or so I’ve finally been getting diagnosed/treated for depression that I’ve suspected I’ve had for almost 20 years. Along the way Generalized Anxiety Disorder got added to the pile, and more recently ADD. I’ve been talking/writing about all this a lot as I’ve been doing research and learning more, and I’m afraid everyone I know is thinking that I’ve just found new and exciting excuses for behavior.
    I think a bit of both happens. It’s true that a lot of people don’t understand the nature of depression/anxiety/ADD as diseases, rather than just as “normal” aspects of personality and thought. Thus I do end up trying to explain to people that it isn’t just what “everybody feels sometimes”, with dubious success. On the other hand, fellow sufferers do respond, and just as importantly it helps me to understand these issues better just to spew words about them.
    You probably don’t need the encouragement, but keep writing about your depression!

  3. Lyssa
    Dec 26, 2011

    You are lovely, even when you hurt and do not feel that way. I love you. You are talented and sexy. I am not talking about you behind your back.
    For me, people addressing my fears helps. My household does this for me. So, passing it on. (And all of us are not talking about you behind your back save in the “Oh, Ferrett–we love him. It is sad he has this but we understand because we have this in varying degrees for time to time and it’s ok and we will be here for him.”
    I love you.
    *HUG*
    Lys

  4. Kellie Lynch
    Dec 26, 2011

    There will always be people who look at it and think, “what a whiner,” but the people who really need to see that someone else has been there will see that. Basically, screw the haters.

  5. Joel
    Dec 26, 2011

    Your hope is true for me. Your posts give me a little bit of extra courage on bleak days.

  6. Ezra
    Dec 27, 2011

    Please continue making these blog posts. I find them valuable.

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