A Word On Sex From A Guy Who's Had A Bit Of It

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 9.648% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

Over the past few days, I’ve seen posts from “inexperienced” women lamenting that their scant handful of partners makes them nervous about sex.  Will they be able to please their next partner?  What if they’re bad in bed?  What if they need more sex to be “skilled”?
I’m here to tell you that sexual experience doesn’t matter.
Having slept with roughly a hundred different women in my time, I’ve had enough of a sample size to know that sex boils down to three things: enthusiasm, chemistry, and experience.  And the last is the least important.
I’ve slept with women who’ve had four partners total, yet had hands that reduced me to jelly.  I’ve slept with women who’ve been around as much as I have and walked away with that slightly outraged feeling you get when all of your friends raved about how this movie was totally awesome, and it actually wasn’t very good at all.
You can be a novice and be very good in bed.  All you need to be is enthusiastic, by which I mean “wanting your partner with a cheerful willingness, and eager to learn.”  If you pay attention to what s/he responds positively to, and are expressing a happiness to be there, then chances are you’re pretty decent in bed already.
Now, you may have had a bad experience or two – and that comes down to this elusive “chemistry” element.  I had a friend of mine boast that he could be the best partner for any woman, ever.  He’d just adapt his style to hers, the chameleon of love, and then wham.  He’d be #1.
That may have been the silliest thing I’ve ever read on LiveJournal.
Sometimes, you get together with someone, and for whatever reason you just don’t sync up.  If you’ve been around you can sometimes cobble it together into a pretty decent evening… But bodies are strange things.  They crave some people and don’t crave others.  Sometimes, two people just don’t work particularly well with each other even if everything else works great, and in rare cases they require enough work that you might as well find someone else whose key does fit your lock.
Chemistry’s not a static thing, of course.  Some evenings are better than others, which is why sometimes you try things twice.  But I’ve hit it off with quote-unquote “inexperienced” girls whose every touch hit something that turned me on.  You do not need a big catalog of lovers to be good.
Why does experience count for so little?  Mainly because the skillset that allows you to charm your way into people’s boudoirs is not the same skillset as actually being good in bed.  I have slept with a fair number of women, but none of that happened because I am a wonderful lover.  How could they tell?  It happened because I’m good with words, and can make clever conversation, and am open about my desire for sex without necessarily demanding it.
None of those skills help me once the pants are off.
Do not confuse “effective flirting” with “being good in bed.”  I know a lot of guys who charmed their way into women’s pants, and turned out to be three-minute wonders.  I know a lot of women who claimed to satisfy a lot of men, and were mechanical and cold under the sheets.  Sleeping around a lot means you’re good at closing the deal, but not necessarily great at the act itself.
(Plus, most people who talk openly about their sexual skills, exaggerate them.  I’ve rarely heard a guy telling a girl, “Yeah, I’ve never gotten the hang of this whole ‘cunnilingus’ thing.”)
Then there’s the learning factor.  If merely cooking a lot made someone a chef, I know several McDonald’s fry cooks who would own five-star restaurants by now.  You can worm your way into people’s beds only to be a selfish git, and you can stall after you’ve determined that your home-brewed “bed-breaker” technique is so good that you don’t need to learn any other.
What experience can give you is a certain baseline level of success.  As noted, I’ve been with some women where I had awful chemistry – not many, maybe one out of twenty-five, but enough that it would have been awkward without it.  I had enough techniques to fall back on that I think I scraped by with a gentleman’s C… And for that, I’ll take it.
The failure state of experience, though, is something cold and clinical, where he’s pleasuring you distantly, which is always a turnoff.  Which brings us back to the core level of “enthusiasm.”
This is why, if you’re worried, I implore you: don’t worry about it.  Seriously.  It will just make you more awkward and hesitating in bed, and that’s rarely a turn-on.  You are fine the way you are, and you can be good for anyone.
Just be turned on, and ready to experiment, and pay attention to what your lover reacts to.  The rest is dross.

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