Strange Connections Of Death And Kinkajous
Those of you who have seen my profile on OKCupid or my default FetLife picture may have seen this photo of me before:
Yes. That is me, with a kinkajou on my head. (If you must be a pedant, look at this photo and STFU.)
I wore a merry kinkajou for Purim at my um-daughter Carolyn’s school. They held a festival, complete with a crazy petting zoo where I have, over the years, gotten to pet baby bears, baby cougars, baby kangaroos, kinkajous, monkeys, and all sorts of other spectacular animals. Every year I showed up and petted something utterly insane.
There were rumors, of course. The wildlife sanctuary had many complaints, filed by its neighbors. It was being investigated for not really knowing how to take care of its animals – but like a crazy cat lady magnified a thousand times, the owner would take in literally any animal as refuge from anywhere, no questions asked. He cared about all sorts of wildlife, and wanted it protected.
But hey! He brought kinkajous. And tiny bears you could pet. So I didn’t ask too much, not that it was really my place to investigate.
Well, turns out the owner was found dead under “mysterious circumstances” after spending a year in jail on federal weapons charges. Just to add a touch of movie panache to this whole caper, all the animals have escaped and the cops are now having to shoot wild, aggressive animals in the street. (Maybe they’re not all aggressive – that has a touch of police justification about it – but still, you see a full-sized black bear that has no fear of humans walking down main street, followed by a pack of wolves, I’m not gonna blame anyone for flipping out a bit.)
Numerous people have emailed me asking whether I know about this. The answer? I’ve worn the guy’s merchandise. And now he’s dead, and Zanesville is thoroughly 12 Monkied.
I’m not sure whether that makes this photo cooler or worse.
The animals didn’t escape – he released them all before taking his life. Had he not done that, the police wouldn’t have had to shoot the animals. I believe that man, through his selfish and cruel act, is responsible for every animal that died. No “police justification” about it.
Strange as it sounds, I’m not necessarily sure I believe that. He was hated enough in the area that my paranoia sensors are going off – it’d be a great way to frame him. I know, it’s terribly Scooby Doo, but I’m going to wait a few news cycles before pronouncing judgment.