So You've Acquired A Ferrett Crush

(NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 16.884% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.)

You’re vivacious.  You’re clever.  You’re probably willing to discuss Planet of the Apes.  And when all of this combines in one person, the inevitability of acquiring a Ferrett-crush approaches nigh-inevitable.
…now what? What does one do when a Ferrett crushes on you?  Fortunately, there’s a FAQ for just such this endeavor!

How Do I Know I Have A Ferrett-Crush?

It’s generally pretty obvious; The Ferrett is heavily sapiosexual, so if he’s enthusiastic about you, chances are good that a crush is floating around somewhere.  He generally tries not to mention it, since such things often create an embarrassment to those who don’t understand what Ferrett-crushes mean – but occasionally he’ll let the crushee know if he thinks there’s a chance it might slip out at an even more awkward time.
(This is why The Ferrett generally does not drink heavily in public places any more; his willingness to reveal his crushes after a few drinks has led to embarrassing people he really likes, often in front of other people he’s hoping to impress.  Hence, he only really lets loose at parties compromised entirely of people who know just where they stand with him.)
If you’re not sure, and want to know, you can always ask him.

What Do I Do With A Ferrett-Crush?

Nothing.  Ferrett-crushes are expected to be non-reciprocal (as are Ferrett-friendships, but that’s probably another essay). The fact that The Ferrett thinks you are cute and swoon-worthy does not mean he plans to sweep you into bed, nor that he intends to do anything than ever just enjoy the hell out of your company. It simply means that if the opportunity ever arose, he would not mind getting all smoochy.
However, the chances of this happening ever even if that feeling’s reciprocated are slim to zero, since a) most of the people he crushes on are unavailable and he respects that, b) he has three partners and would have to get approval from any of them even if the other person was willing, and c) in many cases acting upon the crush might change the dynamic he enjoys so much.  He’d rather retain a friendship, so 99.4% of all crushes remain simply a fondness.
In fact, the reason that The Ferrett does not tell most people about his crushes is because of an unfortunate societal expectation that “a crush” means “you should act upon it” and “the other person should do something to acknowledge this crush.” Rather than trying to redefine society to suit his needs, he merely stays silent about the whole thing.
Do what you’ve been doing all along. Change nothing.  Your life will, in most circumstances, remain utterly unaltered by this wellspring of affection.

Why Does The Ferrett Crush So Frequently?  Is There Something Wrong With Him?

Probably. The Ferrett has a lot of enthusiasm for people, who he thinks are neat in general and awesome in specific, and that enthusiasm spills into his sapiosexuality.  Plus, The Ferrett has the minority viewpoint that sex does not equal love – it’s better if you have love involved (what isn’t?), but two people who are just friends and no more can have some quite satisfying entwinings.  The Ferrett’s view on sex has been compared to “a moister kind of handshake,” which is harsh but not entirely inaccurate.
As such, it’s rare that he walks away from a convention without at least one new crush.  Every one is special and unique.  But he does spend a lot of time swooning sometimes.  This is occasionally inconvenient.

Does The Ferrett Always Refer To Himself In Third Person Like This?

Only in FAQs.


  1. JFargo
    Aug 24, 2011

    Extremely well written and informative. I hope this helps those you crush on to better understand where that crush is coming from and where it will (or won’t) go.
    Alternative comment: HAH! Awesome!

  2. Barrie
    Aug 24, 2011

    Can I just say that being an object of said crush would be a major compliment and that society needs to loosen up! 🙂

  3. Mishell Baker
    Aug 24, 2011

    Hey! I get Ferrett-crushes too! Except, as I am not a Ferrett, I should call them something else.
    I only have the one partner, but I do swoon over random people. At any given time there is probably at least one person who makes little hearts and tweeting birds float around over my head. I have learned not to tell them this, since as you say, people tend to think of love as a demand rather than a gift.

  4. Dana
    Aug 24, 2011

    Crush on, you crazy diamond.

  5. Stygian Jim
    Aug 24, 2011

    Would that the world were so open-minded, or at least my wife anyway. Attraction is a heady nectar with or without moist handshakes. Enjoy your crush and when you get a minute lemme know how you got three S.O.s while youre at it.

  6. "Uncle" Jim
    Aug 24, 2011

    On seeing the line “What do I do with a Ferrett-Crush?”, my brain immediately went to “Collect them all! Trade with your friends!” (in the obligatory Annoyingly Cheerful TV Commercial Announcer voice)

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