The Ferrett’s Tips For Better Living

1) Anyone who’s overly embarassed about getting laid probably won’t be much good once you get them there.

Correlary to #1: Although if the personality works right and you like them otherwise, it can occasionally be fun to train them.

2) Bars are awful places to meet women. The women there tend to be a) there in a group with other guys they know who they’re trying to get laid with and therefore not interested in you, b) in a group with other women, raising the potential humiliation factor, or c) drunk and looking for a quick lay. C might not sound like a bad idea to most men, but the women who do so tend to be either psychotic or dumb. Be wary of strange and immediately bonding attachments resulting from bar pickups.

3) As a guy meeting a girl, you have a sixty-day window to make yourself known as a potential fucktoy. If you hang around waiting past that window, you will wind up in the “friend zone” and forever be humiliated with comments like, “I couldn’t imagine what you’re like in bed” and “But you’re like a brother to me.” BEING JUST A GOOD FRIEND NEVER WORKS. REMEMBER, THE CLOCK IS ALWAYS TICKING.

4) If you are afraid to shake your ass for the enjoyment of a woman, then don’t expect truly enthusiastic shaking from her, either. The good ones give better than they get.

5) There is absolutely nothing wrong about asking a woman if she has corduroy pillows on the first date.

6) Getting extremely drunk is a terrible way of getting laid. Getting drunk dampens the force of your personality, so all you’re left with is physical attractiveness to charm someone with. Unless you’re really hot, this is a sure sign of disaster. I am convinced that men evolved brains simply to gain an advantage over all the other hunky cavemen.

7) However, drugs work pretty well, mainly because they’re illegal and therefore inspire a sense of trust and intimacy. Just make sure that a) she’s in the room when you do ’em, and b) you’re gallant enough to offer a toke of whatever it is you’re doing. Try to screen out the drug hos, however. And any drug that makes you vomit is right out.

8) Always, always clean your apartment (or at least your room) before going out for a night of revelry. Nothing is worse than bringing someone back to a filthy apartment they don’t want to make out in. If at all possible, always suggest her house.

9) Don’t be afraid to oversell yourself on your bedroom talents. She won’t know until it’s too late, anyway.

10) Don’t be afraid to start the evening, either. Three-quarters of all the sexual encounters that fizzle do so because the other person’s waiting for the starting bell. My most successful gambit is to look directly in their eyes during the first tense conversational pause and say, “You know, I’d really like to kiss you right now. Would you mind?” I haven’t been turned down.

11) And yet pickup lines do NOT work except for certain guys. See In Search Of The Cheap Pickup for further details.

12) For the first year, you are allowed one month’s worth of postbreakup whining for every six months that you dated. After that, it’s a month for every year. Any more than that and your friends will start to complain about you behind your back.

13) Cheap venereal disease scans can be done simply by giving blood. Doesn’t work for ALL the majors, but definitely for anything fatal. If you don’t get a call in three weeks, you’re reasonably free.

14) That said, you will get laid less if you use condoms. And you will enjoy it less. However, the quality of the rest of your life will skyrocket. The low-level constant anxiety of watching your Johnson obsessively every day for two months after every unsafe coupling, searching for the first sign of red sores or burning is NOT worth the fifteen minute thrill of skin-on-skin contact.

15) Realize that if you lend money to someone you’re going out, you’re effectively giving it to them. If you’re going out with them it’ll cause a fight to get it back, and after the breakup they won’t talk to you. If you’re not prepared to lose it, then don’t give it.

16) Get really, phenomenally good at oral sex. You’d be surprised how many people aren’t.

17) Don’t be afraid to be noisy. Don’t say, “What if other people hear me?”, but instead think of it as extremely good advertising.

18) If you are a woman, never EVER say to a guy that you can’t get laid unless you walked into a biker bar last night, stripped from the waist down, got on the pool table and said, “WHO WANTS SOME?” – and still didn’t get any. What you really mean is that you can’t get laid by guys you want.

19) You are never too fat, ugly, or physically unacceptable to get laid. Personality is the spackle of life. If you’re confident in your abilities, you will get more than you can handle. And yes, this takes time to develop.

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