Placing My First Swingers’ Ad

So I’ve always loved swinger porn. I think it’s because they’re accessible. The walking plastic experiments never did it for me; I mean, I look at them in the same sense that I view the top of Mount Everest. Yeah, that’s cool. I’ll never get there, though.

It never occurs to me that I could ever put my weenie in them or anything.

Now that I think about it, though, hot chicks have another problem in porno: They always look annoyed. You see them posed in a room – and they’re always posed like the front display of a Macy’s window, they never look like they were fucking and just happened to end up there – and they’re sneering at the camera like the World’s Angriest Lesbian. They never look like they’re enjoying the Empire State-sized penis that’s being thrust into them; they glare at the camera as if to say, See what I do for you? You fucking ingrate. The minute I get some rope and climb down off this cock, I’m going to come over there and kick you in the nuts.

That’s why I always love amateur porn. The women are occasionally saggy and have wrinkles and faces that could slow down – if not stop – a clock, but they’re enthusiastic. They gleefully ignore the camera, flopping around in glory.

Put another way: Hot women are Siamese cats raised by a prissy New York apartment holder. Ugly swingers are basset hounds, slobbering and bouncing about your feet as you walk through the front door.

I’m a dog man myself.

So it was with enthusiasm that I signed up for a recent swinger site. It featured real people with a real urge to screw strangers, and the pictures were certainly gooworthy.

I figured what the hell, I’d post an ad:

Here’s my ad, based on the fact that I actually had to fill out a form to look at dirty pictures:

Describe Yourself:
Silly, witty, coherent occasionally. Oh, for Christ’s sake, this isn’t long enough; is anyone else annoyed by this? If you’re reading this profile and thinking, “Gee, I was kind of annoyed by this dumb thing too!” then feel free to email me and say so. Actually, please do. It would be kind of an exercise in solidarity. “Sing it, brother! I HATE filling out forms just to BROWSE a goddamn site!” In any case, we’re both rather funny and can tell stories until three in the morning. And hopefully won’t have put you to sleep.

Tell us about your fantasies and/or real experiences.
He’d love two women at once – and after he fulfills THAT fantasy, he wouldn’t mind a MMF. She’s had some limited bi experiences in college and hasn’t pursued them… But might, with the right woman. He is also into blood play, but hasn’t found anyone to do that with in, oh, a decade.

I got a slew of emails. They’re just odd.

The one thing that I discovered, to no one’s surprise, is that there are a lot of single guys out there. They basically fall into three categories:

The Cock
I have no idea who this guy is, although he comes in a thousand different forms. He is always a picture of a sort of grotesque penis, followed up by a quick email: “hi do u wana meet?” Never does The Cock actually attempt to explain who he is or what he does; I have this mental image of agreeing to a meeting and opening the door, only to find a large cock, bobbing in mid-air.

No face. No legs. Just a big, hovering dick.

We’ll pass, thanks.

The Nice Guy
I feel bad for these guys: They come with pictures of themselves, taken at office parties or some other social gathering, dressed in happenin’ clothes – as if posing for a very low-grade GQ. They’re always smiling. They know that their position is desperate, and that they can only win you over via charm.

Their letters are long and elaborate, always stressing that they respect relationships and that they only push it as far as you want and they’re discreet and hey, you’re the boss. Man.

I’m passing on these guys, too, but if there’s justice in the universe their sycophantic efforts get them somewhere.

The Dom
These guys never have dick pictures, either; they have an eerily close-up picture of their face, taken from perhaps two inches away, where you can see every nook and cranny in their face. They always wear glasses, are in their mid- to late-40s, and look like that math teacher you made fun of a lot. Their gaze is stern, always daring the camera to come hither; the camera, wisely, is staying as far away as possible.

Their profiles will tell you that they love dominant relationships, and they like tying couples up. He has a wife (who I assume lives in a darkened basement and is lovingly fed Cycle 3 dog food twice a day), but will cheerfully tell you how he’ll storm into your room and take advantage of both you and your wife.

Who wants this?

I mean, these guys always seem confident. They must be getting some from somewhere. Perhaps they’re so dominant that it’s like a Jedi mind trick; “Hey, Phil, I’m gonna fuck your wife.”

“You will fuck my wife.”

“Stand by and watch as I dominate you.”

“Yes, master.”

(Sound of squishing noises, like a man trying to wedge his foot into a tight rubber boot after a drenching rainstorm)

I mean, if they looked like Antonio Banderas, I might go for it. I mean, I’m not gay – but he’s Antonio. I’m not gay, but I figure if I was, Antonio would be the place to try. It doesn’t get much better.

I’m not gonna take it up the ass from Ted Kascinsky, all right?

So that leaves couples. The pictures of the couples are fascinating, simply by what they reveal about the couple in question. Most of them are the standard hardcore amateur smut; women naked, men naked, women on men naked, all taken from a terrible angle from a Kodak that was spanking new when the Brady Bunch was still on in prime time. Faces may or may not be blurred. That’s fine.

But the other things you see:

There are pictures of a man holding up a trout proudly; if I was going to sell myself to strange couples, I’d try not to use my fishin’ trip as an example of mah sexy self. “I’ll not only pork your wife, but ah’ll gut an’ clean’er for free!

There are pictures of “couples” with four pics of the guy and one blurry, far-off pic of the girl. This means that he is trying to get some on his own because she isn’t putting out. Do not be fooled by the “we’re a couple!” jazz; one does not a couple make, unless you’re a hermaphrodite.

The saddest of all are the wedding pictures, though. I don’t know why I find this so sad; I mean, isn’t your wedding day supposed to be the proudest of your life? Can’t you find any other picture of you guys having fun anywhere? Invariably, The Wedding Couple only has one picture.

And The Wedding Couples are the ugliest fucking couples on the net. (I swear to God, if I thought it wouldn’t hurt people’s feelings, I’d love to find a compilation of “the least fuckable swingers” and post them on the net. Sadly, they’re copyrighted and despite my nasty nature, that would really cut some folk deep.)

The creepiest picture, however, goes to the picture of a married couple, sitting proudly on the couch with their two kids sandwiched in between them. I’m sure they didn’t mean it that way, but my skin crawled off my body and went into the other room to have a nap.

The remaining few emails I’ve gotten were from couples, who all wanted to fuck. The funny thing is that as a man, I’d take pussy from a vend-O-mat… But as a couple? I want to be romanced. I want to get to KNOW you. Tell me your favorite movies. We’ll laugh, we’ll dance… And we’ll see.

Hey, I’ll try anything once.

And still the messages flood in: “Hey lets get together check my profile if ur interested”

I write back: “Well, we’re willing to get together – but what do you like to do? What are your favorite movies? What sorts of restaurants do you enjoy? What writers do you love, what historical moments have stirred your soul, what sets you apart from the mass of other slightly-pudgy couples who could conjoin with us?”

They never answer.

To quote Jar Jar: “How wude!” I mean, you want to come in here, fuck my wife, suck my balls, and you won’t even share a cappuccino with me?

Now come on.

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