Sex, by and large, is a crock. For all of you young lovers out there who are still convinced that sex is it, let me tell you something: For every beautiful, bodies-joined-as-one, chymic nirvana type of experience, there's at least fourteen incidences of friction burn, bra-strap lockpicking, elegant lingerie with sweat stains in the crotch, strapping yourself into contraceptives, killing time until your partner's done, disgusting fluids seeping into embarassing places, constant low-key panic until the next time of the month, and so on. Don't get me wrong - I like sex. But it's not worth all the emphasis our culture puts on it. You'd be better off playing Nintendo.

Sigh.

But I realize that there are those of you out there that are going to treat sex like you're driving a Porche for the first time - you're going to flaunt it, talk about it a lot even when you're not driving it, and do things with it no sane Porsche owner would even consider doing. I can't stop you. I can't prevent you from pitifully seeking sexual fulfillment, if such a thing exists. I can, however, tell you everything I know about sex.

Says something about me that I can squeeze it into one column, isn't it?

First of all, for the women in the audience: Every man knows his exact width, length, and breadth, and if he tells you otherwise he's lying. Men are essentially status-seeking creatures. We want to know if we have more "Johnson Power", so to speak, than the average guy. Hell, this is the reason men invented rulers in the first place, so if someone shrugs his shoulders and says, "Gee, I don't know", keep feeding him drinks and badgering him and eventually he'll tell you. Then, depending, you can either blackmail him or offer to recheck his measurements for him.

Second one's for guys: Women have certain.... periodic body functions that men don't. And women seem to think that because we don't have personal experience with these functions, then gosh, we must be just aching to know all about it.

The truth is that we really would be much happier if women barricaded themselves in a small closet for five days out of the month and didn't mention it at all, but women don't understand this. If you become close friends with a woman, often she will start telling you wonderful details about this bodily function. Really intimate details. Details that are so intimate that sometimes you have to run into a bathroom and hyperventilate for half an hour before you can even think normally again. Your best bet is to think about baseball, which is why men invented baseball in the first place.

For women: To see if a man is sexually interested inn you, all you have to do is look into his eyes. If he's blinking occasionally, he's interested.

Tips for both sexes:

Anybody who thinks buying contraception is a REALLY DANGEROUS AND SUBVERSIVE ACT won't be any fun in bed anyway. This is the exact same person who never sets foot in a bar before he's 21 because he's terminally afraid of being carded. This is the same person who was convinced that the Amazon Librarians From Hell would drag him in back and jam hot spikes underneath his fingernails if he brought his books back to the library a day late. This is a person who thinks everyone in the world is out to embarass him, and let's face it - sex is embarassing, especially when it involves ugly people. (There's a very fine line between erotic and grotesque.) This man will never be relaxed enough to play fun games with you, like "Mr. Weebles Goes Spelunking."

Playing around with food is fine, but be very sure you can tell the difference between a can of contraceptive foam and a can of Redi-Whip in the dark.

Cooing and kissing in public is okay, but licking each other is not, unless you're being filmed.

And as a final word, if you are propositioned by a very attractive member of the opposite sex - perfect body, perfect hair, a personality that just cries out to be jumped - turn them down immediately.

Why? Because memories fade and spoil. Fantasies don't. If you accept this person's proposition, you'll probably find that all they wanted was your body, or that s/he is a lousy lover, or that out of the sack s/he's a real jerk. Something will not go according to plan. It's possible that maybe you'll even get into a relationship with him or her and get married, but you'll eventually get bored and the two of you will slowly and painfully break apart and get divorced and you'll be alone again after all that time, and then where will you be? Nowhere.

But fantasies! Like fine wine, fantasies get better with age. Unlike real-life relationships, every time you go back and have sex with them - they get better. And better. If Rick Moranis propositioned you today,

five years from now you'd be remembering him as Mel Gibson. I myself have several fine vintage fantasies, which I keep in a special storage shelf in the left hemisphere of my brain, and I take them out when I'm feeling lonely or unattractive. "I may be down now," I say, "But look at what I could have had."

So. That's all I know about sex, and I hope it dissuades you from trying to get any. Really. It's not worth it. Unless it's with me.

This has been an article on Fucking. If you enjoy Fucking, perhaps these other articles on Fucking might be of interest?

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