I don't move into houses when they're still pouring the scaffolding. I don't yank three-minute eggs out of the pot ninety seconds after the water's begun to boil. Nor do I read half-written novels. So why should I like children? They're not done yet, either.

I realize I'm going against the grain on this one - America's ga-ga about kids. You can have the worst sitcom in the world, stick some drooling, swell-cheeked blue-eyed Aryan's wet dream of a child on it and it'll be a hit the next day. (There is no other explanation for "Full House".) Baby food commercials elicit the "Awwwww" reflex without fail, despite the common knowledge that this same cute baby, left to his own devices, will cover himself in a half-inch layer of Gerber's broccoli and drink out of the toilet. And have you ever noticed that if you REALLY love someone, the best and most intimate nickname you can give her is "Baby"? (Implying she can't take care of herself, no doubt.) Hell, I'll buck society; kids suck.

Before you get mad and start writing nasty, misspelled letters, listen to the cases against children:

1) You Can't Understand Them.
Kids handle their bodies like drunk drivers handle Mack Trucks. Kids lurch to and fro, falling and bumping into things like Jerry Lewis on Quaaludes, falling down for no apparent reason and walking into things they noticed ten miles off, all because nobody told them how their bodies are supposed to work. God forgot to give them an instruction manual. Which means that, to learn how their bodies and vocal cords work, they have to experiment on total strangers.

A kid will walk up to me and rattle off a string of vowels - no consonants, just vowels - and stand there expectantly, waiting for an answer. Is she saying her name? Asking for mommy? Telling me this is a stickup and I'd better hand over a candy bar before she slings diaper poop at me? I have no idea.

Likewise, a kid will hand me a crayon-festooned piece of paper that could be Snoopy, could be Cthulhu - and says "Ga." I have to say, "Oh, what a nice drawing!" because any other response would require me to identify the picture. The worst thing is when you have to ask what the drawing is and you can't understand the response, either. I have no time to decrypt Kidspeak. Get 'em away.

2) You Can't Reason With Them.
"Get off the couch or I will kill you," you say. The kid laughs; the annoying thing about kids is that they always assume you're bluffing. You tell him you have work to do. You tell him that if you don't work then you, the kid, is going to go hungry. You tell him if he doesn't get off that goddamn couch he's never eating Cookie Crisps again, but the kid sees no logic in this. He's having fun now. Why stop? The best you might get by way of logical argument is when the kid screams "NO!" loud enough to break windows. If the only way I can change its mind is to hit it, I don't want it. Get it away.

3) They're Not Innocent.
"But they're innocent!" you might say by way of defense. "Kids are pure love."

Bullshit. Take a toy away from a kid and he'll scream, whine, kick, yell, moan and in general make your life a living hell until he gets the toy back. Babies won't let you sleep until you feed them. Kids will use whatever techniques they have at their disposal, good or bad, to get what they want... And how is this any different from Donald Trump? Get these midget terrorist squads away from me. I don't want 'em.

I could go on - they don't appreciate real food, they think belching's the height of amusement, and they prefer Tiny Toons to Looney Tunes - but you get my point. Kids are a pain. So what's to be done? Simple.

I believe that kids should be locked in a box their entire childhood and not be let out until they can say the word "penis" without giggling uncontrollably. I'm not a sadist - it could be a large box and they could have TV and Cookie Crisps sent in - but keep them locked away from normal people like you and me until they're old enough to know better. As an additonal incentive, we could have prisoners work off their jail terms by assigning them to feed the kids and clean out their cages.

Of course, enforcing the "penis" rule (to coin a phrase) would mean that entire elements would disappear from our society - never again would we see a Dice Clay concert, a Shriner's convention, or a PTA meeting - but shucky darn golly gee gumbucks, I'm prepared to do without if it means I never see a kid again.

Hell, I thought it was a good idea.

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