How To Hire A Hooker (Or Prostitute, Or Masseuse, Whatever)

Buying a hooker is tougher than you might think.

I know. I tried three times before I finally succeeded, and even that was kind of a fiasco. And one of those attempts wasn’t even for me.

You see, one night in a drunken state, my friends Ryan and Bryan suddenly revealed to me that they had this fantasy about double-dogging some bimbo together. This was a surprise, but the bigger surprise was that they wanted me to subsidize their fantasy – they wanted me to participate and triple-dog a prostitute with them. Considering that the two of them were built like scrawny chihuahuas with chronic bronchitis, the thought of the two of them attempting to mount a hooker brought to mind images of gang-rape by a bunch of wire hangers.

But it turned that they didn’t want me because I was a brawny he-man with a cock the size of a vodka bottle… it’s because they thought I had enough money to buy the call girl. I didn’t. However, they kept bugging me over and over again that I must have the money, they were so horny, they needed someone… so I offered to procure the prostitute for them as a compromise, saving them the trouble of actually finding one. I began to leaf through the local paper’s “hot massage” section.

It ended in disaster, of course. The first call ended abruptly when Ryan slapped the phone out of his hand. “Don’t use my name!” he said hoarsely. The second time I used Bryan’s name…. and then Bryan panicked. I hung up. I might have had some success the third time using pseudonyms for the both of them, but then Ryan refused to give out his address, apparently not realizing that the prostitute wasn’t simply going to wander around the east side of town until he showed up.

The fourth time I called a transsexual and actually spoke to a real person, and could have actually hired him to satiate Ryan and Bryan’s feverish desires… but my tender conscience wouldn’t let me pull a Crying Game on these two bozos. Besides, Bryan was my ride home. We spen the rest of the evening ignoring the increasingly eager messages left by the transsexual, who was apparently having a bad night and looking to pick up some business.

But in that moment I realized that there was a gray area that’s not written about: How does one pick up a hooker? I mean, I’m all for women’s rights… but I know there’s a lot of guys that just aren’t getting any nookie without money or a hit album on their resume. Some guys have to pay for it. And so, in the spirit of commerce, I offer The Ferrett’s Tips For Picking Up Hookers.

Don’t Go With Streetwalkers.
You might think that the streetwalkers are the easiest to find – after all, they’re easy to find, they’re relatively anonymous, and they take cash.

Think again, my friend.

For one thing, spotting hookers is a lot tougher than it seems – well, in small towns, anyway. In New York and Las Vegas, it’s a bit different. In large cities, hookers flock together like those little birds that clean hippos’ teeth on the Serengeti. They’re happy to yell out en masse, calling out like squawking ravens – Blowjob! Blowjob! Blowjob! they cry, and it echoes throughout the streets, loud enough to wake apartment dwellers up out of a sound sleep, which is just one of those nice little touches that adds so much atmosphere to living in a big town.

They know they can scatter when the cops come, and as such they transform into fuckmuggers. Walk through a crowd of desperate Las Vegas hookers and you can get such a thrill you barely have to pay anything – they’ll grab your crotch, touch your nipples, whisper phone sex tantalizations in your ears… and then abruptly turn into Don Rickles the moment you walk away, having noticed the large running pus-filled sores on their lips and the fresh crackpipe burns on their hands. Yes, large cities offer quantity… but you have to go elsewhere for quality.

Or so I am told.

But in small town, maybe you have one or two hookers. They don’t hang around together for fear of being caught – which is kind of a shame, because I’d love to hear the shop talk that would take place between hookers in a small town. I’m sure they have a lot in common, service the same weedy-looking desperate men on alternate nights, could compare which streets are safest. Maybe offer hints on getting smegma out from between your teeth. If I could be a fly on the wall anywhere, it’d be at a diner with two small-town soiled doves yakking it up, except that I’d probably get stuck to the wall.

But anyway, it’s easy to drive by some scantily-dressed tramp at one in the morning and say, “Hey! A hooker!” But you have no investment at this point. The difference between noting a potential hooker from a car at twenty-five per and actually stopping your car to accuse her of being a hooker is tremendous. What if this is just someone who’s lost her way home from the latest heavy metal concert? You could wind up with your eyes clawed out, your sclera pooled on the ground like soggy scrambled eggs as you blindly mutter apology after apology. And then there’s the undercover cop thing. It’s times like that you wish that you could look through the local high school yearbooks and try to find her picture, maybe see if she was voted “Most Likely To Become A Prostitute”.

And even when you’re not looking, there’s problems. My friend Bryan has twice picked up what he thought were hitchhikers, but turned out to be garden-variety strumpets. This has always led to horrifically-awkward moments, mostly involving conversations like:

“So where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere you want, honey.”

So far he’s managed to extricate himself from these predicaments, but I remain convinced that one day Bryan will find himself receiving what he thinks is a grateful hummer from a happy hitchhiker, only to find himself out of spare change at the wrong time.

Be Prepared.
It takes a certain kind of mindset to continually walk around with a wallet full of cash and a sleeping hardon – but this is what it takes if you want to undress with success. Because hookers beat out waitresses when it comes to bad timing – waitresses always ask you questions when your mouth is full, but hookers always ask the question when your wallet is empty, and you want their mouth to be full.

For some reason, they always seem bolder when you’re in groups, not realizing that it takes only one prude to ruin a potential gangbang for everyone. But until Heloise gets off her skanky butt and writes, “Heloise’s Hints For Prostitutes”, I guess we can forgive this.

But it’s up to you. The two times streetwalkers have approached me were both bad opportunities:

  1. Once, when I was walking with my twelve-year old stepbrother, I was propositioned. Tempting though it was, I was only fourteen at the time and I doubt she would have blown me for the bag of Spiderman comics I was carrying.
  2. When walking back to my car in Stamford, a large-boned black lady with an attractive smile came up to me and told me she’d give me a blowjob for twenty dollars because she needed bus fare. I was cash-poor, but offered a ride nonetheless since she seemed nice. She declined, but kept asking me about the money until I eventually brandished my empty wallet at her. This confused me for a long time, but eventually I figured out what was going on – this woman was motivated. I admired her for her can-do spirit, the way she refused to take a free ride because she didn’t feel she had earned it. No, for her that twenty dollars was simply a way of keeping score of a cocksucking well-done. If only there were more like her.

But learn the lesson: Make sure you’re prepared at all times. In fact, before I got married, I myself began carrying a small puptent around with me so I’d be ready when opportunity knocked. Light backpacks are quite inexpensive, rainproof – and happily, the fine for unauthorized camping within city limits is a lot less expensive than being caught screwing a whore.

Pay Her, Especially If You’re Still In School.
You’d think this would be simple. However, a football jock in our school fucked a streetwalker in a parking lot near our school, refused to pay, and then got the shit beaten out of him by the pimp who was waiting nearby. The cops interrupted the scuffle, and it wound up in the newspaper. Mark became famous, though understandably publicity-shy. Keep in mind that getting your name in the newspaper is nearly as humiliating as, say, having your dream of double-dogging a prostitute and subsquent failure to do so posted on a public web page.

Keep A Straight Face.
Now that we’ve eliminated streetwalkers as sources of sex, you might want a call girl. Avoid giggling. Preparation is a fine thing, and if you’re going to give a fake name make sure you a) have cash and b) have your name made out in advance, since there’s nothing more embarassing than telling her you’re “Mr., um, Doubtfire,” and then paying with a battered Diner’s Club card that reads “Fred Polesak”.

You will also have to leave a message and have her call you back. Sounding suave on such a message is far harder than you might think, since the mere act of leaving a message is admitting that you’re horny, desperate, and kind of pathetic – hey, that’s their demographic. Don’t worry.

Mentioning sex openly is verboten, incidentally. Remember, that’s illegal, and much like dealing with a bad drug dealer, you have to have them show up and then just pretend that hey! These drugs and sex just came out of nowhere!

Also, generally these sorts of things happen in hotels. Good hotels are notorious for screening out hookers, but generally you can call down to the front desk and ask them to usher someone up for you. When they ask what her name is and what she looks like, tell them, “I don’t know, but they all look good with their lips around my dick.” Generally that disarms ’em.

34 Comments

  1. dave
    Mar 26, 2012

    Very good and well wrote

    • sam
      Sep 3, 2012

      written is the word you are looking for I think…

    • Jeff
      Feb 17, 2013

      Trite, sleep inducing “prose”. Don’t waste one more minute of your fastly waning life reading another single word written by this schmuck.

    • Fred cocksore
      May 29, 2016

      Hella funny ending i gotta use that one

  2. Rayray
    Apr 2, 2012

    That is smart as hell and i wish i had found this a year ago i had the same problem with my broke ass friends

  3. Bob
    May 22, 2012

    Can’t stop laughing! This is priceless which is a good thing since my wallet is empty too!

  4. Ryan and Bryan
    Jun 12, 2012

    Asshole!

    • mejumu
      Feb 18, 2013

      Hahahahahahahahahahaha you guys are great!

    • Brenden
      Dec 27, 2013

      Ryan & Bryan you guy’s are the shit

  5. mandapanda
    Aug 7, 2012

    hahaha brilliant! sheer genius lol! i have been a sex worker in an undercover brothel in the midwest usa for almost a year now and eventually quit because of the stress of it. i litterally HAVE to take every customer who picks me and give them SOMETHING for the money theyre offering, or else i get in trouble, fined/fired/whatever. i want to be able to pick my own customers basically, or at least be allowed to say no. the thing is, ppl are cheap…at least in my area…nothing but lowlife ghettobillys and old fat dudes that wear disney tshirts. and one thing i cant understand is why so many like to argue about using a condom. ew! really?! i do this every day and u dont want to wrap up?! theyll even offer me more money and say things like “youre clean right?” hahaha the world is astounding, it really is.
    I’m just looking for a few pointers on how to engage in business on my own, without a brothel or a pimp taking my money, and without being caught by undercovers by advertising on websites such as craigslist or backpage. too risky. and im studying for an associates in science currently and cant be having any prostitution charges on my record….sigh

    • Quincey Bailey
      Nov 30, 2015

      Never be ashamed of the Arts of Exotica for which you practice. Insisting on being hygienic is being considerate of future clients. If someone treats you with grace and elegance instead of being demeaning it should not reflect on what the client looks like. There is alot out here needing that sence of satisfaction or fulfilment as to where it is not met by average means by others. Remember, being a professional is top priority. Letting a client know the boundaries beforehand and being honest with them shows an even greater integrity. Hollywood has made it really awkward and the pseudo virtuous government whom allows the most immoral acts to be acknowledged but turns on Prostitution as if it’s an absolute wrong. I wrote a controversial Sermon a decade ago on this subject and how it’s been manipulated by the Patriarchal Societal Church. Remember, in the lineages of Christ, many were concubines and a few harlots not to mention the Judao-Christian society’s traditional usages of these wonderful women in their culture.

  6. SmartyPants
    Aug 24, 2012

    Wow, you really are dumb. That woman didn’t turn down your ride because of some noble need to earn it. Sheesh. She turned it down because she didn’t actually need busfare. She just wanted money. The busfare line was just her spiel. You dumb fuck.

    • Joe Mama
      Sep 10, 2012

      Agreed

      • Brokzie227
        Dec 7, 2012

        Hey dumbass, if you didn’t know that was a joke by now, you’re a bifgger dumbfuck than he will ever be.

  7. Harsh
    Dec 12, 2012

    Sexy

  8. submit
    Dec 14, 2012

    reading this I actually have no idea how to pick-up a hooker.
    This post is a sad waste of time.

    • sextime
      Jul 26, 2014

      Same for me

  9. michael
    Dec 18, 2012

    dude… this was the best read I have had in a while… it kept me riveted.. I can only say the word awesome and funny as hell… you should have a tv show… haha

  10. Gabby
    Jan 30, 2013

    This is sick

    • leoni
      Nov 27, 2013

      Sweetheart if its so sick then why the hell did you read it? The title gives a clear indication of what the article will be about so stop being an asshole about it same goes to everyone who bitches about it
      <3

    • matt
      Mar 22, 2014

      If it’s so sick then why are you looking for prostitutes on the internet? Answer that birch!

  11. james recker
    Mar 11, 2013

    The best, most effective method of procuring the services of a sex worker is through a friend or an acquaintance who has already established a business relationship with her. I used to prractice law as a criminal defense attorney and can tell you that no one knows more sex workers of all levels than attorneys and cops.

  12. Rex
    Jul 29, 2013

    I jerked off to your little story…Thanks : )

  13. lauri the epic
    Apr 25, 2014

    seriously omg how to ^^’hire a hooker^^ who is that desperate for sex that hires hooker i know that and im 9 a years old

    • James
      Jul 27, 2014

      If your 9 then you probably havent even hit puberty yet, then ask who is desperate for sex

  14. Geno
    May 16, 2014

    Very good but picking up hookers is better online. There are many sites that have girls advertising. NOT craig list though. There are some paid sites that work the best. Become a member and you will be screened. Then in any city you go to there will be at least a dozen girls and if you are pre-screened it will be easy to set up an appointment.

  15. dave
    May 24, 2014

    This article is totally lame.

    You have no clue what you are talking about.

    Just shows ya most sh*t on the web is just that worthless sh*t

  16. Outis
    Jun 11, 2014

    I’ve heard that this is the way:
    Go to backpage or USIndys. Pick one out. Call and say: Are you free at [a particular time] and what is your hourly rate? If they are and you agree to the rate, say: Okay, what exit should I take [off of the nearest interstate/highway or you can ask what hotel. Then you will arrange to make another call when you have reached the general location at which time you will be given a room number. When you show up drop the cash (preferably in an unsealed envelope on the nearest table or whatever and asked to use their restroom. Go into the restroom and wash your hands thoroughly. When you exit the restroom engage in small talk while getting comfortable on the bed. The rest is gravy.

    • Swisher
      Feb 22, 2016

      “The rest is gravy”. Fucking golden man. I enjoyed your speil. It reminds me of the 70s and 80s. Where during prom you’d take ur date to a cheap ass motel and fuck her brains out. Hahahaha good stuff.

  17. Alexander Simon
    Jul 31, 2014

    July 31st, 2014

    Buying illicit sex is illegal and punishable by law — every where,
    don;t! The sale of sex is a art of Demon. The way to a healthy heart felt family is clean and law-abiding. Venereal disease can kill the baby unborn. Real love is with your mother who does not sell her body to the devil. The reason prostitution continues is careless people have no regard for their own health and find time to end their existence procuring a lousy bed destined to hell. The only cure is a true marriage. The way to a great life existence is careful and with joy!

  18. ant
    Sep 1, 2014

    Man this should be written into a book literally about maybe persay traveling the word in search of prostitutes. This was good and i believe worth an emmy haha

  19. Deadpool
    Dec 4, 2014

    Death is my whore

  20. kunfekia
    Dec 7, 2014

    Fucking losers.

  21. Cassandra
    Feb 9, 2017

    Protip : don’t be an asshole like thisfugginguy and you’ll have NO trouble finding yourself a nice hooker *kiss kiss*

Leave a Reply to mandapanda Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *