How To Cheat On Your Girlfriend

Cheating on your girlfriend is like getting into a bathtub full of hot water. You can’t just jump in. You have to ease your way in, step by step – and you’d better take extra care when it reaches your genitals.

I’m not talking about a stupid, one-night drunken fling. Those are meaningless. Nor am I talking about those relationships where the partner’s aching to get out – we all know somebody who’s stayed with his girlfriend only because he hasn’t found anybody better yet. I’m talking about a serious, committed relationship to a girlfriend where this new girl who you find really attractive finds you attractive back.

You see, most men haven’t really committed themselves to a relationship – they’ve just disabled the hunting mode. Rarely will you find the man who, upon finding some strange beautiful girl giving him a front rub, will say, “Hey! I have a girlfriend who is much more faithful and less pretty than you are!” Truth be told, most guys will just get drunk really quickly so they’ll have an excuse in the morning.

So we don’t look for it. We don’t seek. But if something homes in on us, we’ll probably take it. Not right away, though. There’s a very slow and very formal procedure we have of rationalizing it, candycoating the distasteful fact that we are going to betray someone’s trust. Someone who is trusting in us a lot, in all probability.

The first stage is realizing. Understanding gradually that someone is seeking us. We’ve blinded ourself to a certain extent; if we guys were going to be dead honest about other people’s motivations all the way through, we wouldn’t have any fun. If we avoided every activity that smacked of sexual tension, we’d get so stressed out So we’ll take the backrubs girls give us. We’ll take the hugs that last a half-second too long and the friendly squeeze that’s just a bit too tight, because we need that ego rub.

And then we see it: Wait a minute, you mean I’m the only one she gives backrubs to? You mean I’m the first one she talks with when she gets the chance? Especially when we have the chance to be alone?

Yep. It’s you, chum. So whatcha gonna do about it?

If you’re good, you’ll throw up the defense shields in a conversation. Most guys don’t mention their mates when they’re talking. It’s as if they know, subconsciously, that talking about your girlfriend is the same thing as having her stand next to you. So if you’re good, you’ll be talking with her, she’s laughing, and you’ll pull that switch; “So I was out the other night with my GIRLFRIEND, and we….”

There’ll be an almost audible moment where she realizes what you’re doing. And she’ll turn away. You’ll hate yourself blackly for passing up an opportunity in that moment, but it’ll pass.

But that’s not usually what happens.

Usually you rationalize like crazy. Even though you realize what’s about to happen, you’ll bump this girl one or two notches up on your friend list. You’ll find some activities where you can be alone with her for awhile. Nothing too bad, just a little movie or something… and, of course, being the rough-and-tumble friends that you are, you usually wind up holding each other. Little mock fights where you have to hold her hands to make her stop. It’s cold, so you hold her close to warm her up. Tickle fights.

Take it from me if you have to. There has never been such a thing as an innocent tickle fight between a man and a woman.

And after the tickle fight, you’ll be holding each other tight so the other can’t tickle back, cheek to cheek for a moment – a very long moment – and you’ll both realize that your lips are centimeters apart. That you can feel her breath on your chin, and it is warm. And you’ll realize that you could kiss her; and that she wants you to.

And you pull away.

That time.

If you were really being honest, you’d realize what was happening, pull up stakes, and see her from then on only with crowds of people surrounding you. Crowds of people who know your girlfriend. But you won’t. You don’t want to realize.

Instead, you’ll invite her over to a private place – and just coincidentally, you’ll forget to tell any of your friends where you’re going or who you’re with – and you’ll do something innocent. Like watching TV. What could be more innocent that watching TV? Especially when you’re nuzzling up against each other on the couch, bodies pressed tight…. and that tickle fight breaks out.

And there’s that moment.

And this time you don’t pull away.

First it’s just the lips. Brushing against each other. Once. Then you kiss, closer, the lips still closed, a pause as you both make your decision, and then those lips part. Slightly.

And that’s it.

It might take a few more times for you to actually go through with it – getting a little further each time before you stop, panting with passion and finally saying, “This is a bad idea,” knowing full well that it is and you won’t stop… but eventually, you will go all the way. Trust me. In that pause between the closed lips and the open ones, you committed yourself to her every bit as fully as you committed yourself to your girlfriend.

And in some isolated place, you’ll do it.

And it will be wonderful. Magic. Right up until that moment when you’re finished, and in that one glorious moment of orgasm all of your triumph will blacken into self-hatred. You’ll wince away from her because you know what you’ve done and you don’t want to share that feeling with anybody. All that glorious sex turns into just so much sticky fluid in a latex baggie.

And that’s it.

You can continue it with her or decide to call it quits – hell, you may never screw around with her or anybody else as long as you live. But you’ve got a secret to hide now. You have to censor your thoughts around your girlfriend or come out with it and damn near kill her, and either way you’ve destroyed a part of your relationship that’s never coming back. And it’s all your fault, chum.

Deal with it.

And the question is raised: Is this column funny? Does it have a point? No, not really. Truth be told, it’s kind of sad and pointless.

But is this column true?

The answer is yes. And that’s the sad part.

5 Comments

  1. chris
    Jun 18, 2012

    Thank you. You made me realize what i was thinking.

  2. Virus
    Aug 25, 2012

    Wow….. You’re one hell of a psychologist shit dude guy. Thanks.

  3. Sa
    Oct 25, 2012

    It’s funny how if the actual kiss never happens, we still rationalize ourselves as faithful. I think most of us our emotional cheaters at one point or another.

  4. Sa
    Oct 25, 2012

    *are, not our. Poor, my bad.

  5. Sa
    Jan 20, 2013

    That was insane. Where does one go from there? A story is not complete without the proper outcomes. There’s 3 I believe. Dying to hear it

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