Why I Love My Family

ME: “So I know you’re hypersensitive to ‘the dog dies’ in a movie, Erin, but you might almost like John Wick.”
ERIN: “Oh, God, no.  I’d cry for weeks.  Poor puppy!”
ME: “I know, but… the dog dying is the whole reason for the movie.  John Wick’s a retired hit man, someone kills his dog, and he spends the next ninety minutes murdering people for that in a roaring rampage of revenge.”
ERIN: “Well, I could get behind that.”
ME: “The rest of the movie is alternating scenes of John Wick shooting motherfuckers in the head,  and terrified mobsters going ‘You did what to his dog?!? You fool!'”
MATTIE: “Completely justified.”
AMY: “Yet if he’d murdered ninety people because someone killed his cat…”
MATTIE: “Yeah.  Society is weird.  Make it a cat, people would think he was some unbalanced crazy cat lady.”
ERIN: ” ‘He killed two hundred people over his dog? Well, sure – oh, wait, it was a cat?  Dude’s got some issues.'”
AMY: “I mean, we like cats, but there’s a pet hierarchy here.”
DAD: ” ‘JOHN WICK: executed a thousand men after someone strangled his parakeet.'”
MATTIE: ” ‘Someone killed my goldfish. Now a city lies smoking in ruins.’ ”
ME: “Of course I bombed Russia!  They forgot to feed my hermit crab!”
*laughs*
GINI: “…you realize we’re terrible people.”
ME: “Well, we’ll get ours once John Wick kills us for murdering his pet turkey.”