The Ferrett's Domain - Writings From A Deranged Mammal

TheFerrett.Com - writings from a deranged mammal

Thoughts on Paxil Ferrett Ranking:

I couldn't play the grownup long enough to draw a distinction between "That's acceptable, if worrisome, behavior" and "That is right out." I needed something to calm down and establish authority. Some kind of tool...And Paxil was it. But it wasn't the only tool, and I would have destroyed myself if I'd let it stop at that.

Its the Batcycle of Life
The superheroes fight the supervillains.br /br /The superfights do massive damage to the infrastructure of the city.br /br /Construction workers are paid to shore up buildings, replace skyscrapers, et al.br /br /Everyone knows the mob controls the construction unions.br /br /The mob gets rich off of the buildings, making for incredibly wealthy tyrants with access to mutated henchmen.br /br /The henchmen are so strong that only superheroes can fight them.br /br /The superheroes fight the supervillains....
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Placing My First Swingers Ad Ferrett Ranking:

On a whim, I placed an ad on a swingers' site - well, I had to. They wouldn't let me look at dirty pictures otherwise. But the results I got from wifeswappers everywhere were amazing....

The Night I Hired A Hooker Ferrett Ranking:

Proving that there is nothing simple that The Ferrett cannot fuck up, witness the day that The Ferrett tries to get a massage from an Oriental masseuse... And discovers she really likes his hair. What the fuck?

Dances With The Penis Ferrett Ranking:

I'm sure Softkiss has a face, but in my mind's eye she is nothing but a pair of sagging breasts. I've chatted with Thickandsexy's surprisingly witty vagina any number of times, and TJRawks is as engaging as a speaking penis gets. Faces are rare in swinger chat rooms.

How To Hire A Hooker (Or Prostitute, Or Masseuse, Whatever) Ferrett Ranking:

Handy hints on dealing with old friends who want you to buy a hooker for them. How incompetent do you have to be to not get laid from a hooker? Read on and be surprised!

Why I Can't Rape My Wife Ferrett Ranking:

In my LiveJournals, I have written deep and meaningful paeans to my wife. So why not give you an in-depth analysis of why I can't pee on my wife?

Seven Centimeters Of Odor Ferrett Ranking:

An in-depth (uh huh huh, Beavis) discussion on the gentler parts of the female anatomy. Definitely worth reading if you're a chyk or a guy who just doesn't get much.

In Search Of The Cheap Pickup Ferrett Ranking:

Hunter Thompson I ain't, folks. He would have gotten a babe. Me, I got drunk and went home lonely. And yet you can laugh about it through the transubstantiation of humiliation into anecdotes!

Blatant Homosexuality Ferrett Ranking:

Believe it or not, lesbians don't wear signs that say, "I LICK PUSSY AND EAT HOT DOGS WITH MALICE". Well, not the ones I hang out with, anyway.

The Ferrett's Tips For Better Living Ferrett Ranking:

In other words, The Ferrett tells you how to fuck, and fuck well. Not necessarily deep thoughts, but ideal for those with the effort to cut'n'paste into one of those annoying sendaround emails.

Fucking = Boring Ferrett Ranking:

Frankly, this article isn't that funny, but it details two truly funny things that, since I wrote about them once, I'll probably never write about again: My Godawful mishap with contraceptive foam, and the measure of a man.

Stopping The Smearer's Winning Streak Ferrett Ranking:

Okay, it starts a little slower than I'd intended, but I need to set a mood. But trust me ? read all the way to the end and see the most cockamamie scheme for catching a shit-smearing criminal that any New Yorker could ever have come up with.

He's Dead, Jim - Did We Stock Up In Time? Ferrett Ranking:

One of the more bizarre articles I've ever written, this is nevertheless absolutely true. Well, mostly true. I tell you about the one thing I lied about, okay? Includes the classic line: "When JFK died, he had both tragedies; a whole Presidency before him and a whole brain behind him, all over his wife's dress."

Adventures In Biology Ferrett Ranking:

In which I tell the saga of Lee Larchevik, a terminal failure in biology class but a raging success at stand-up performance art involving dead animals. You could say that he was a real cut-up! Ah ha ha!

The Amityville Corps Ferrett Ranking:

Untalented performers. Twisted ankles. Football teams that never won. Until now, this story was only told in hushed rumors at parties where I was getting drunk and everyone else was too wasted to tell me they'd heard it before. But now - through the magic of technology - you can know the terror of Southern Connecticut and the Beach Boys!

The Apartment From Hell Ferrett Ranking:

The carpet in our apartment was a complete mystery to us, shielded by the layer of garbage that had drifted down over it, like a new-fallen snow composed of magazines and old clothing. We walked from bed to bathroom without ever touching shag, adopting a rolling gait to accommodate the way the capricious layers of the impromptu "floor" might slip out from under us. I lived in hell.

Bum For A Day Ferrett Ranking:

The street corner was cold; not bitterly, bone-freezing cold, but a frosty chill still crept under my threadbare jean jacket. My hand shivered erratically as I thrust it out at passing strangers, asking for change, desperately trying to scrape up five bucks for a nickel bag of stem-choked pot. And I thought: Jeez, this is a hell of a way to pick up a homeless chick.

Witness the Fridge of Doom! Ferrett Ranking:

Whenever we opened up the refrigerator door our fridge breathed on us, like a leprous dog that had just eaten its own feces.

Going Back To High School Ferrett Ranking:

Ah, yes. I pumped this one full of name keywords so my old friends could find me - and it's all about how my old enemies made me the twisted, fucking bastard that I am today. One day I shall have revenge. Oh yes, it shall be mine.

I Killed Him 'Cause He Called Me Bald Ferrett Ranking:

Wherein I relate the story of my best and most balding friend Bryan. He'd kill me, except that to murder me he'd have to admit that he was going bald. Hah! Fat chance!

It's Im-Possum-Hole Ferrett Ranking:

This ferretlike beast was calmly eating a pizza, and it didn't seem to mind the rattle of the ascending garage door or the sudden wash of high beams. That was how I met the possum.

A Night Spent Dumpster Diving Ferrett Ranking:

It wasn't until I was standing in the middle of a block dumpster at midnight, trying to keep my balance on a two-foot thick pile of coverless porno magazines, that I realized that I was doing something that was, to say the least, anti-establishment.

Blood Drive Me Crazy Ferrett Ranking:

The most painful phlebotomy story you'll ever hear. Not for the faint of heart.

Stop This Bloody Madness! Ferrett Ranking:

In an ideal world, my awareness of tampons would be tangential. I'd know that they existed, of course, and that served some useful Glo-Mop service, but I'd never be privy to the full details. But thanks to the wonders of Madison Avenue, the tampon commercials have been ramping up in intensity, broadcasting TMFI straight into my brain. Please stop that.

Tattoos, Piercings, And Beans Up Your Nose Ferrett Ranking:

Genital piercings are a great reason to get women to look at your dick. After all, you can't talk about your penis unless it's a fourteen-incher - and if you do, what the hell are you doing here reading this? Go out and fuck something, for Christ's sake.

The Next Generation Of Swear Words Ferrett Ranking:

I'm genuinely curious to see what sort of suggestions my normally-depraved readership sends in. Shit is worn out, fuck is played... Is "Rapist" the curse of the future?

My Pen Is Curious, Yellow Ferrett Ranking:

I tell you what languages you should be speaking - English. But you can't get a college degree without yammering on for at least a year in some heathen tongue. Possibly one of my finest moments ever, and certainly the only one to be censored.

Tolkien Out His Ass Ferrett Ranking:

WARNING: Not funny, but a tirade nonetheless! Why The Ferrett thinks that J.R.R. Tolkien, the writer, absolutely sucks ass chunks.

Revenge Is The Sweetest Gift Of All Ferrett Ranking:

Sorry if I sound a little bitter; it's just that two days before this semester started, my relationship with my former girlfriend disintegrated. My ex-girlfriend is now sleeping with other men - not that she had stopped doing that while we were going out, but at least I won't have to stand in line waiting for her anymore.

Darth Maul's Lightsaber Ferrett Ranking:

I twirled my toy lightsaber and whacked the ceiling by mistake. I fought with my uncle, who leaned on his cane... And with one leg and one blade, he beat the living crap out of me. So I asked myself: How could Darth Maul have been such a badass with this awkward thing? What kind of weapon was this?

The Ugly Truth Ferrett Ranking:

On a supermarket expedition in the middle of the Midwest, the Ferrett suddenly discovers he is in a sea of ugliness - and more horribly yet, that he's actually ugly himself. Take a look... If you can bear to.

Internet? NOT! Ferrett Ranking:

Wherein I mock you through the very medium you read me by.

Confessions Of An Eight-Year-Old Alcoholic Ferrett Ranking:

What is it about beer and vomit that spurs me to my best tirades? A discursion on How The Next Generation Will Rebel. Includes the now-classic line, "I know it'll be tough. But when they get drunk and puke in your azaleas, you'll need to act like they got caught fucking the severed head of a transvestite nun during a taping of the Jerry Springer show. Overreact, for God's sake!"

The Papa Smurf Theory Of Love Ferrett Ranking:

Where did the spark in your relationship go? If you're trapped in a dull and loveless marriage, you might be surprised to know that you can blame the Smurfs for part of your problems.

A Little Excess For Your Pleasure? Ferrett Ranking:

I drink two bottles of Diet Pepsi a day and will die from colon cancer. I know it's not healthy. But you know what? I'm trading my Alzheimers-ridden, crap-in-my-diapers, kids-sticking-me-in-a-nursing-home-and-trying-to-forget-about-me-days in for some cheap thrills now. Seems like a deal, don't it?

The Stupid Always Win Ferrett Ranking:

Language is a living entity, the collective expression of everyone who speaks it. And unfortunately, the vast majority of people are stupid and lazy - particularly when they talk with each other. As such, even the most passing familiarity with linguistics will reveal that our language is a battlefield of "correct usage versus common" - and that battlefield is strewn with the mangled bodies of the correct.

The Ferrett's Genuinely Useful Exercise Program Ferrett Ranking:

"Exercise" is a nice way of saying, "In these modern days, the majority of us might as well be brains on stalks for all of the physical activity we're required to do daily, so we must go out and perform ridiculous tasks for no reason at all." As such, we pay money to pointlessly heave weights up and down a small wire, or just run around in circles until we get tired. This is just stupid.

Jerry, America of the Inked Line Ferrett Ranking:

As a child, I was troubled by the moral incongruities in cartoons. What bothered me specifically was the morality - or, rather, the amorality - of Tom and Jerry. Specifically, Jerry. I wanted that little fucker dead.

Fatality Ferrett Ranking:

I loved ripping people's heads off in Mortal Kombat and I can't understand why you wouldn't want to, either. Especially if you could, say, scan your boss's or your ex-boyfriend's face onto your opponent. I had way too much fun writing this one, folks.

The Fifteen Percent Solution Ferrett Ranking:

I believe that every waitress should know exactly how she's doing and why. If she's fucking up, we should let her know.... And here's how to let her know immediately.

Talk Is Cheaper Than Money Ferrett Ranking:

I come from Connecticut, where the only time strangers talked to you was when you were being mugged. And even then they were embarassed.

Charles Schulz Has Gone (Pea)Nuts Ferrett Ranking:

Did you realize that after Charlie Brown died - he lost the will to live after Snoopy fell into a coma - Peppermint Patty went on a rampage, killing seven before they took her down? Well, Charles Schulz didn't either, but hopefully his estate won't sue.

So You Wanna Be A Musician? Ferrett Ranking:

I was in a band that actually got signed and recorded a nationally-released album - but the album died a horrible death, and the band broke up two years after I left it. However, my experience makes me an expert on being a failed musician, so I have a lot more to offer than those successful guys who lucked out.

Three Musketeers, My Ass Ferrett Ranking:

There are four Musketeers: Athos, Porthos, Aramis, and D'Artagnan. Oh, don't give me that bullshit about how there's four by the end of the book - the whole point is that D'Artagnan runs around saving the other three because they're all idiots. There's four musketeers, dammit. Why isn't this book called "The Musketeers' Apprentice" or "Mini-Musketeer"?

Halloween and the Grab Bag Route Ferrett Ranking:

Halloween is young people's first experience with capitalism, really. For months in advance, you're mapping out the best route to get the most candy, all with an intensity the CIA doesn't have on its best days.

Nature And The City Boy Ferrett Ranking:

Being basically a city boy, I think I speak for many people in saying that, although I like nature and am fond of it, in many ways I'd be a lot happier if we paved the whole thing over.

Sympathy For The Devils Ferrett Ranking:

I'm going to ask you a very odd thing. I want you to feel pity for the Backstreet Boys. And N'Sync. And 98 Degrees. And even, God help us, Hanson.

Who The Fuck ARE You? Ferrett Ranking:

If I met an eight-foot tall convict named Igor with a purple mohawk, an eyepatch and "Born To Loose" tattooed on his forehead backwards, I would not remember his name the first five times we met.

To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Been Bored Before Ferrett Ranking:

Okay, maybe I am a Cro-Magnon living in the twentieth century. But dammit, I liked the old Star Trek better.

Past Times At Ridgemont High Ferrett Ranking:

You've probably forgotten about your yearbook by now - it's probably collecting dust in some forgotten closet at your parent's house. But it's the best book ever written. It's a novel, it's a memory quiz, it's a party game all in one. Check it out.

Bulletproof In Three Easy Lessons Ferrett Ranking:

The Ferrett goes skiing and has to have Frosty The Snowman surgically removed from his ass after a snowplow maneuver goes drastically awry, Wide World Of Sports-style.

The Case Against Children Ferrett Ranking:

Writing this column was so easy, it was like taking candy from a baby. And boy, some days I wish I could.

Concept Man Ferrett Ranking:

Vitriol at Wiccans, a Christine Lavin quote, and Orange-Flavored Drinkable Nair. Definitely a bouillabaise of stuff, but it hangs together well enough.

Cat People Ferrett Ranking:

These are ferret prints - not paw prints. Why? Because people who really, really like cats are the most boring people on earth. And I hope they drown in used kitty litter.

Tech Support The WebAuthorities Way! Ferrett Ranking:

Yes, you too can learn to give server support the WebAuthorities way! If you're a technician looking to avoid work, or just to fuck up someone else's day, start here!

Weren't We Friends Once? Ferrett Ranking:

Self-sacrifice was a big concept with food. Peanuts elbowed each other out of the way to get into the peanut butter jar; The Keebler Elves had isolated themselves, became hermits; a pseudo-fascist Jolly Green Giant towered over slaves in his fields, standing guard over them twenty-four hours a day.

In Defense Of Techno Ferrett Ranking:

Jerry Garcia died and all he got was some hippy farmers naming an ice cream after him. John Lennon got shot and all he's remembered for is being pussywhipped beyond compare. Music does not create social changes - it reflects them. And frankly, rather than critiquing the latest election results I'd rather get on that floor and dance.

E-Z Hints From A Deranged Mammal Ferrett Ranking:

Rodney King references! Calling him Prince before he became some Lovecraftian hieroglyph, and then morphed back into Prince again! Led Zeppelin hilarity! My only excuse is that it was my first column, folks. Be gentle.

Uncle Ferrett's Tales From The Marijuana Patch Ferrett Ranking:

Another classic involving all-true, all-humiliating stories. Witness The Ferrett forgetting how to eat when he gets stoned! See the Ferrett paying twenty dollars for a single candy bar... Over the course of forty minutes! Gasp as the Ferrett blows his chance at the Supreme Court!

Alcoholism: A Viable Career Choice Ferrett Ranking:

Includes the now-classic line, "Sinks full of dishes. Dishwashers. Houseplants. People' shoes. Bowls of potato chips. Aquariums. These are all places you shouldn't throw up in. But you probably have."

Food Should Be Like Sex, Dammit! Ferrett Ranking:

Much like this particular web page, I'm bloated. But whereas this page is bloated with an excess of words, I am stuffed full of Pop Tarts. What the fuck is wrong with me? Film at eleven.

Thoughts on Paxil Ferrett Ranking:

Sometimes it's a sad lament, as she discusses how things used to be good, but now he's so different and she doesn't know what happened to them. Sometimes it's just pure anger mainlined straight from the heart, an acidic stream of vitriol as she catalogues this guy's many flaws, most of which concern his sexual inadequacy. Her complaints all have one thing in common, though: If you were a stranger eavesdropping on the conversation, you'd swear that they were talking about an ex-boyfriend. They're so distressed and angry about this guy that you would not think that they were still together.

The Ferrett On Marriage Ferrett Ranking:

Why The Ferrett got married. Why he's happy being married. Everything The Ferrett knows on the nature of love.

Cigarette Burns on my Heart Ferrett Ranking:

It's been fourteen years and the wound still seeps occasionally, like a cigarette burn on my heart. I still miss her. Occasionally, I type her name into search engines, the only name I can type as quickly as my own.

The Day the Cartoons Vanished Ferrett Ranking:

The day I had to kill my son.

Holy Shit - I'm Dying! Ferrett Ranking:

I am such a monstrously egotistic moron that the fact I won?t get to tell anyone what it?s like is far more distressing than death itself. This should tell you something about me.

How To Cheat On Your Girlfriend Ferrett Ranking:

The first stage is realizing; understanding gradually that someone is seeking us. We've blinded ourself to a certain extent; if we guys were going to be dead honest about other people's motivations all the way through, we wouldn't have any fun. So we'll take the backrubs and the smiles.

The Ferrett Gets His Testicles Trimmed Ferrett Ranking:

Wherein The Ferrett determines that he really shouldn't have kids or start up his own "Vasectomies 'R' Us" clinic. Not nearly as many graphic details as you might be led to believe.

Old-Age Blues And Trixter Ferrett Ranking:

I became terrified that I had waited too long, that it was now too late for me to start anything. My Big Chance had passed me by.

Want to see what's new in the world of The Ferrett? Why not check out his LiveJournal, updated sporadically?


After a long lapse, TheFerrett.com has been updated with fourteen new articles! Get crackin' Of course, if you're eager for new Ferrett stuff, I've switched most of my off-the-cuff essays to my LiveJournal, since it's easier to update and has a much better way of keeping track of friends. So if you want to see Ferrett articles in the making, check out my LJ today.
A funny comic about sex, blogging, and love, written by the guy who wrote all the essays on this site! Why not click the link and check it out?

This Is Where I'm Writing Now If you enjoy what I've written here, be warned that I do most of my writing at my LiveJournal site, which is updated two or three times a day if I'm bored or busy enough that I need to change gears. What gets archived here usually appeared on my journal first. So for daily doses of this kind of stuff, click here and let the fun begin!

Why I Can't Rape My Wife In my LiveJournals, I have written deep and meaningful paeans to my wife. So why not give you an in-depth analysis of why I can't pee on my wife?
How To Hire A Hooker (Or Prostitute, Or Masseuse, Whatever) Handy hints on dealing with old friends who want you to buy a hooker for them. How incompetent do you have to be to not get laid from a hooker? Read on and be surprised!
Placing My First Swingers Ad On a whim, I placed an ad on a swingers' site - well, I had to. They wouldn't let me look at dirty pictures otherwise. But the results I got from wifeswappers everywhere were amazing....