Tattoos, Piercings, And Beans Up Your Nose Ferrett Ranking:
Genital piercings are a great reason to get women to look at your dick. After all, you can't talk about your penis unless it's a fourteen-incher - and if you do, what the hell are you doing here reading this? Go out and fuck something, for Christ's sake.
The Next Generation Of Swear Words Ferrett Ranking:
I'm genuinely curious to see what sort of suggestions my normally-depraved readership sends in. Shit is worn out, fuck is played... Is "Rapist" the curse of the future?
Stop This Bloody Madness! Ferrett Ranking:
In an ideal world, my awareness of tampons would be tangential. I'd know that they existed, of course, and that served some useful Glo-Mop service, but I'd never be privy to the full details. But thanks to the wonders of Madison Avenue, the tampon commercials have been ramping up in intensity, broadcasting TMFI straight into my brain. Please stop that.
My Pen Is Curious, Yellow Ferrett Ranking:
I tell you what languages you should be speaking - English. But you can't get a college degree without yammering on for at least a year in some heathen tongue. Possibly one of my finest moments ever, and certainly the only one to be censored.
Darth Maul's Lightsaber Ferrett Ranking:
I twirled my toy lightsaber and whacked the ceiling by mistake. I fought with my uncle, who leaned on his cane... And with one leg and one blade, he beat the living crap out of me. So I asked myself: How could Darth Maul have been such a badass with this awkward thing? What kind of weapon was this?
Revenge Is The Sweetest Gift Of All Ferrett Ranking:
Sorry if I sound a little bitter; it's just that two days before this semester started, my relationship with my former girlfriend disintegrated. My ex-girlfriend is now sleeping with other men - not that she had stopped doing that while we were going out, but at least I won't have to stand in line waiting for her anymore.
Confessions Of An Eight-Year-Old Alcoholic Ferrett Ranking:
What is it about beer and vomit that spurs me to my best tirades? A discursion on How The Next Generation Will Rebel. Includes the now-classic line, "I know it'll be tough. But when they get drunk and puke in your azaleas, you'll need to act like they got caught fucking the severed head of a transvestite nun during a taping of the Jerry Springer show. Overreact, for God's sake!"
The Papa Smurf Theory Of Love Ferrett Ranking:
Where did the spark in your relationship go? If you're trapped in a dull and loveless marriage, you might be surprised to know that you can blame the Smurfs for part of your problems.
The Ugly Truth Ferrett Ranking:
On a supermarket expedition in the middle of the Midwest, the Ferrett suddenly discovers he is in a sea of ugliness - and more horribly yet, that he's actually ugly himself. Take a look... If you can bear to.
A Little Excess For Your Pleasure? Ferrett Ranking:
I drink two bottles of Diet Pepsi a day and will die from colon cancer. I know it's not healthy. But you know what? I'm trading my Alzheimers-ridden, crap-in-my-diapers, kids-sticking-me-in-a-nursing-home-and-trying-to-forget-about-me-days in for some cheap thrills now. Seems like a deal, don't it?
Tolkien Out His Ass Ferrett Ranking:
WARNING: Not funny, but a tirade nonetheless! Why The Ferrett thinks that J.R.R. Tolkien, the writer, absolutely sucks ass chunks.
Internet? NOT! Ferrett Ranking:
Wherein I mock you through the very medium you read me by.
Charles Schulz Has Gone (Pea)Nuts Ferrett Ranking:
Did you realize that after Charlie Brown died - he lost the will to live after Snoopy fell into a coma - Peppermint Patty went on a rampage, killing seven before they took her down? Well, Charles Schulz didn't either, but hopefully his estate won't sue.
Talk Is Cheaper Than Money Ferrett Ranking:
I come from Connecticut, where the only time strangers talked to you was when you were being mugged. And even then they were embarassed.
Fatality Ferrett Ranking:
I loved ripping people's heads off in Mortal Kombat and I can't understand why you wouldn't want to, either. Especially if you could, say, scan your boss's or your ex-boyfriend's face onto your opponent. I had way too much fun writing this one, folks.
The Fifteen Percent Solution Ferrett Ranking:
I believe that every waitress should know exactly how she's doing and why. If she's fucking up, we should let her know.... And here's how to let her know immediately.
So You Wanna Be A Musician? Ferrett Ranking:
I was in a band that actually got signed and recorded a nationally-released album - but the album died a horrible death, and the band broke up two years after I left it. However, my experience makes me an expert on being a failed musician, so I have a lot more to offer than those successful guys who lucked out.
Jerry, America of the Inked Line Ferrett Ranking:
As a child, I was troubled by the moral incongruities in cartoons. What bothered me specifically was the morality - or, rather, the amorality - of Tom and Jerry. Specifically, Jerry. I wanted that little fucker dead.
The Stupid Always Win Ferrett Ranking:
Language is a living entity, the collective expression of everyone who speaks it. And unfortunately, the vast majority of people are stupid and lazy - particularly when they talk with each other. As such, even the most passing familiarity with linguistics will reveal that our language is a battlefield of "correct usage versus common" - and that battlefield is strewn with the mangled bodies of the correct.
The Ferrett's Genuinely Useful Exercise Program Ferrett Ranking:
"Exercise" is a nice way of saying, "In these modern days, the majority of us might as well be brains on stalks for all of the physical activity we're required to do daily, so we must go out and perform ridiculous tasks for no reason at all." As such, we pay money to pointlessly heave weights up and down a small wire, or just run around in circles until we get tired. This is just stupid.
Cat People Ferrett Ranking:
These are ferret prints - not paw prints. Why? Because people who really, really like cats are the most boring people on earth. And I hope they drown in used kitty litter.
Who The Fuck ARE You? Ferrett Ranking:
If I met an eight-foot tall convict named Igor with a purple mohawk, an eyepatch and "Born To Loose" tattooed on his forehead backwards, I would not remember his name the first five times we met.
The Case Against Children Ferrett Ranking:
Writing this column was so easy, it was like taking candy from a baby. And boy, some days I wish I could.
Concept Man Ferrett Ranking:
Vitriol at Wiccans, a Christine Lavin quote, and Orange-Flavored Drinkable Nair. Definitely a bouillabaise of stuff, but it hangs together well enough.
Sympathy For The Devils Ferrett Ranking:
I'm going to ask you a very odd thing. I want you to feel pity for the Backstreet Boys. And N'Sync. And 98 Degrees. And even, God help us, Hanson.
Bulletproof In Three Easy Lessons Ferrett Ranking:
The Ferrett goes skiing and has to have Frosty The Snowman surgically removed from his ass after a snowplow maneuver goes drastically awry, Wide World Of Sports-style.
To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Been Bored Before Ferrett Ranking:
Okay, maybe I am a Cro-Magnon living in the twentieth century. But dammit, I liked the old Star Trek better.
Three Musketeers, My Ass Ferrett Ranking:
There are four Musketeers: Athos, Porthos, Aramis, and D'Artagnan. Oh, don't give me that bullshit about how there's four by the end of the book - the whole point is that D'Artagnan runs around saving the other three because they're all idiots. There's four musketeers, dammit. Why isn't this book called "The Musketeers' Apprentice" or "Mini-Musketeer"?
Nature And The City Boy Ferrett Ranking:
Being basically a city boy, I think I speak for many people in saying that, although I like nature and am fond of it, in many ways I'd be a lot happier if we paved the whole thing over.
Halloween and the Grab Bag Route Ferrett Ranking:
Halloween is young people's first experience with capitalism, really. For months in advance, you're mapping out the best route to get the most candy, all with an intensity the CIA doesn't have on its best days.
Past Times At Ridgemont High Ferrett Ranking:
You've probably forgotten about your yearbook by now - it's probably collecting dust in some forgotten closet at your parent's house. But it's the best book ever written. It's a novel, it's a memory quiz, it's a party game all in one. Check it out.
E-Z Hints From A Deranged Mammal Ferrett Ranking:
Rodney King references! Calling him Prince before he became some Lovecraftian hieroglyph, and then morphed back into Prince again! Led Zeppelin hilarity! My only excuse is that it was my first column, folks. Be gentle.
In Defense Of Techno Ferrett Ranking:
Jerry Garcia died and all he got was some hippy farmers naming an ice cream after him. John Lennon got shot and all he's remembered for is being pussywhipped beyond compare. Music does not create social changes - it reflects them. And frankly, rather than critiquing the latest election results I'd rather get on that floor and dance.
Weren't We Friends Once? Ferrett Ranking:
Self-sacrifice was a big concept with food. Peanuts elbowed each other out of the way to get into the peanut butter jar; The Keebler Elves had isolated themselves, became hermits; a pseudo-fascist Jolly Green Giant towered over slaves in his fields, standing guard over them twenty-four hours a day.
Tech Support The WebAuthorities Way! Ferrett Ranking:
Yes, you too can learn to give server support the WebAuthorities way! If you're a technician looking to avoid work, or just to fuck up someone else's day, start here!
But wait! This isn't all The Ferrett has to offer....
Want to see what's new in the world of The Ferrett? Why not check out his LiveJournal, updated sporadically?
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| Welcome to one of my five archives! You're currently looking at my $Category, which is but one of the five sections I have divided my rantings into: Or you can simply choose to look at everything I have! Pages and pages worth of notable strangess! Enjoy! | |
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| Written New Tirades | |
| What Is Amazon Doing? So I hopped on Amazon.com to see when the first season of Futurama would be out, and I got this recommendation: Customers who bought this DVD also bought: Fair enough. But the next suggestion floored me: Customers who wear clothes also shop for: Okay, I know one of the appeals of Amazon is that you can shop naked. But are they seriously attempting to tell us that a significant portion of their demographics never wear clothes? Is there some sort of nudist resurgence that's dominating Amazon's sales? |
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Tattoos, Piercings, And Beans Up Your Nose Genital piercings are a great reason to get women to look at your dick. After all, you can't talk about your penis unless it's a fourteen-incher - and if you do, what the hell are you doing here reading this? Go out and fuck something, for Christ's sake. | |
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The Next Generation Of Swear Words I'm genuinely curious to see what sort of suggestions my normally-depraved readership sends in. Shit is worn out, fuck is played... Is "Rapist" the curse of the future? | |
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Darth Maul's Lightsaber I twirled my toy lightsaber and whacked the ceiling by mistake. I fought with my uncle, who leaned on his cane... And with one leg and one blade, he beat the living crap out of me. So I asked myself: How could Darth Maul have been such a badass with this awkward thing? What kind of weapon was this? | |