Stopping The Smearer's Winning Streak Ferrett Ranking:
Okay, it starts a little slower than I'd intended, but I need to set a mood. But trust me ? read all the way to the end and see the most cockamamie scheme for catching a shit-smearing criminal that any New Yorker could ever have come up with.
The Amityville Corps Ferrett Ranking:
Untalented performers. Twisted ankles. Football teams that never won. Until now, this story was only told in hushed rumors at parties where I was getting drunk and everyone else was too wasted to tell me they'd heard it before. But now - through the magic of technology - you can know the terror of Southern Connecticut and the Beach Boys!
He's Dead, Jim - Did We Stock Up In Time? Ferrett Ranking:
One of the more bizarre articles I've ever written, this is nevertheless absolutely true. Well, mostly true. I tell you about the one thing I lied about, okay? Includes the classic line: "When JFK died, he had both tragedies; a whole Presidency before him and a whole brain behind him, all over his wife's dress."
Adventures In Biology Ferrett Ranking:
In which I tell the saga of Lee Larchevik, a terminal failure in biology class but a raging success at stand-up performance art involving dead animals. You could say that he was a real cut-up! Ah ha ha!
Bum For A Day Ferrett Ranking:
The street corner was cold; not bitterly, bone-freezing cold, but a frosty chill still crept under my threadbare jean jacket. My hand shivered erratically as I thrust it out at passing strangers, asking for change, desperately trying to scrape up five bucks for a nickel bag of stem-choked pot. And I thought: Jeez, this is a hell of a way to pick up a homeless chick.
The Apartment From Hell Ferrett Ranking:
The carpet in our apartment was a complete mystery to us, shielded by the layer of garbage that had drifted down over it, like a new-fallen snow composed of magazines and old clothing. We walked from bed to bathroom without ever touching shag, adopting a rolling gait to accommodate the way the capricious layers of the impromptu "floor" might slip out from under us. I lived in hell.
Going Back To High School Ferrett Ranking:
Ah, yes. I pumped this one full of name keywords so my old friends could find me - and it's all about how my old enemies made me the twisted, fucking bastard that I am today. One day I shall have revenge. Oh yes, it shall be mine.
I Killed Him 'Cause He Called Me Bald Ferrett Ranking:
Wherein I relate the story of my best and most balding friend Bryan. He'd kill me, except that to murder me he'd have to admit that he was going bald. Hah! Fat chance!
Witness the Fridge of Doom! Ferrett Ranking:
Whenever we opened up the refrigerator door our fridge breathed on us, like a leprous dog that had just eaten its own feces.
It's Im-Possum-Hole Ferrett Ranking:
This ferretlike beast was calmly eating a pizza, and it didn't seem to mind the rattle of the ascending garage door or the sudden wash of high beams. That was how I met the possum.
A Night Spent Dumpster Diving Ferrett Ranking:
It wasn't until I was standing in the middle of a block dumpster at midnight, trying to keep my balance on a two-foot thick pile of coverless porno magazines, that I realized that I was doing something that was, to say the least, anti-establishment.
Blood Drive Me Crazy Ferrett Ranking:
The most painful phlebotomy story you'll ever hear. Not for the faint of heart.
But wait! This isn't all The Ferrett has to offer....
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| Welcome to one of my five archives! You're currently looking at my $Category, which is but one of the five sections I have divided my rantings into: Or you can simply choose to look at everything I have! Pages and pages worth of notable strangess! Enjoy! | |
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| Written New Anecdotes | |
| What Is Amazon Doing? So I hopped on Amazon.com to see when the first season of Futurama would be out, and I got this recommendation: Customers who bought this DVD also bought: Fair enough. But the next suggestion floored me: Customers who wear clothes also shop for: Okay, I know one of the appeals of Amazon is that you can shop naked. But are they seriously attempting to tell us that a significant portion of their demographics never wear clothes? Is there some sort of nudist resurgence that's dominating Amazon's sales? |
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Going Back To High School Ah, yes. I pumped this one full of name keywords so my old friends could find me - and it's all about how my old enemies made me the twisted, fucking bastard that I am today. One day I shall have revenge. Oh yes, it shall be mine. | |
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Bum For A Day The street corner was cold; not bitterly, bone-freezing cold, but a frosty chill still crept under my threadbare jean jacket. My hand shivered erratically as I thrust it out at passing strangers, asking for change, desperately trying to scrape up five bucks for a nickel bag of stem-choked pot. And I thought: Jeez, this is a hell of a way to pick up a homeless chick. | |
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Stopping The Smearer's Winning Streak Okay, it starts a little slower than I'd intended, but I need to set a mood. But trust me ? read all the way to the end and see the most cockamamie scheme for catching a shit-smearing criminal that any New Yorker could ever have come up with. | |