The Ferrett is...

• A Freelance Writer who has written computer books (including the upcoming Paint Shop Pro 8 For Dummies), reviews technology books for Amazon.com, reviews technology lifestyle books for TechSoc.com, and is always looking for work;
• A humor columnist who's written for Hip Magazine, Comic Relief, the Southern Connecticut school newspaper, the Star Wars fanzine Echo Station, and a number of one-shot websites;
• Editor, Webmaster, and Featured Writer of StarCityGames.com, the largest and most profitable Magic: the Gathering independent strategy sites;
• A man who chronicles his life at LiveJournal.com when he's not turning them into essays here;
• A freelance technologist and web designer, proficient in HTML, CSS, PHP, mySQL, networking, Dreamweaver, FrontPage, Paint Shop Pro, Fireworks, and any number of other technologies - just ask!
• A diehard roleplayer who loves Planescape, Deadlands, and Champions;
• Former owner of two beautiful ferrets;
• Former chainwide buyer for Waldenbooks and Borders Books and Music;
• A happily-married man, and has been for the past three years as of 2003;
• A writer who's always looking for work.

If you'd like to contact me, please feel free to say hello!

Q: What is your email address?
A: TheFerrett@TheFerrett.com. Say hello, unless you're a spambot, in which case you can choke and die!

Q: What sort of a grown man pretends to be a small marsupial? Isn't that rather childish? Shouldn't you just own up to your real name?
A: Fuck off, assmunch.

Q: Is this everything you've ever written?
A: Not even close. Discounting novels, short stories, and non-humor articles, there's still a lot that's not here - like my LiveJournal, or my archives at StarCityGames.com. There are about twenty articles on my hard drive, published over the years, that weren't deemed fit for publication.

Even worse, many of my articles have been lost forever. I used to write for the Southern Connecticut college newspaper (I was their top writer and their worst student for five years' running), and I wrote a lot of those articles on the fly, at their Macintoshes. There was a lot of funny shit written back then that I have no record of! If anyone has archives of old Southern Connecticut papers, please email me and let me know! You will be richly rewarded.

Q: Why do you misspell "Ferrett"? Isn't ferret spelled with one "t"?
A: Because when I was logging on to Bulletin Boards and the like way back in 1992, my nickname was "Weasel" (see the next question). Whenever I tried to log on, the user names "Weasel" and "Ferret": were invariably taken. And so I added the extra "T". The rest is history. Although some fucking moron once emailed me challenging me to a duel, saying I didn't have the right to call myself Ferrett because HE was Ferrett. Okay, jackass, and when nobody else in the world is named "Joe" or "Bruce," we can talk. Just because I'm wittier and more urbane doesn't mean that I can't share the name....

Q: So why is your website THE Ferrett.com?
A: Because Simon Ferrett is evil. Feel free to email him and tell him to give up his goddamn domain name! He's not even doing anything with it!

Q: So do you own ferrets?
A: Don't ask. I used to. It's still painful to me.

Q: What are your influences?
A: Mostly booze. Or at least that's what the cops told me I was driving under.

Want to see what's new in the world of The Ferrett? Why not check out his LiveJournal, updated sporadically?